So I'm on the plane, filled with the butterflies of the unknown and so the next chapter of my life begins...
So a run down of what I want to achieve in India;
Foster the growth of my internal best friend voice in order to love myself better.
Do some meditation, tai chi, yoga practice, cooking classes, art classes and tattoos.
Continue the circus journey and taking on the year of circus tricks challenge. Where I will post a trick a day for 365 days. Internet depending!?!
To continue research to continue my extra curricular parts of my uni study and to take notes on what I'm reading and doing in my studys.
Work on the ngo I'm starting.
Write my play about autism.
Host drama games to improve my clowning and physical theatre.
Get involved in the music scene.
Get an apartment in Goa for three months.
Host friends, make friends, experience culture, go with the flow and hone my instincts.
Become an expert bargain hunter, and source things to send back home to friends.
Travel around India to follow the flow and find my rhythm within the culture.
but most of all not let achieving block off the doors and windows of new opportunity.
Anyway wish me luck,
Send me your address via pm for postcards or packages if you want me to send stuff back.
Also there is an open invite to message me through FB, whatsapp, Skype, duo, smoke signal, letter, telepathy or any other method for communication and I will also get an Indian number and be contactable through FB, whatsapp and will keep updating my Instagram, Volo and Facebook as well both my circus page and my general profile.
Expect travel updates, experience updates, 365 tricks and a hell of a journal...
Cheers to all the help, advice, company and connections I'm leaving the physical but not the lessons learnt in this hemisphere for a great adventure, new connections and the unknown...
My first day in india,
So i woke up way before I needed too had a great breakfast and got ready to go,
kay saw me off from the airport because she is amazing and ill very much miss her and the cats and the chiswick house. anyway the journey on the plane was ok as i slept through a significant amount of the first journey and the second i was just to full of excitement, apon having google maps and the will to get a bus to where im staying and got on the back of a moped for the first time fully loaded with all my stuff.
When i got to chotus house he gave an amazing welcome and we shared food, stories, skills and plans for the future, he said he will teach me to make all different kinds of dishes and naan breads, so watch out when i get back as i will have a new skill through indian cooking,
Then we went into the town this time theee of us on a royal enfield, which was a lot of fun and met a few people and sent our seperate ways for the fime being,
so i went to explore north part of arambol beech found a little group of circus people from isreal and jumpes into the sea and had a practice on the beech, i planned to make it to the sweetwater lake but didnt make it that far before dark.
now its dark and i bumped into one of chutus friends, and had a smoke or two before heading back to the house, to eat another great meal before talking and falling asleep after a long journey and day...
So today I woke up late I guess I needed the sleep as traveling great distance always make me exhausted its like the weight of the distance feels heavy in my body however restful a journey is.
Anyway we hung out at the house for a bit playing chess and eating more great food before heading beachside. At the beach there were a lot of dead fish just washed up on the beach it's a good day to be a crow, anyway Chotu we met the guy who's opening a restaurant on the beach, who I could do some fire spinning for which went well, after then we went to see the bahba who lives in the jungle behind the Sweetwater lake, it was a good trek, I heard so many different birds and say a cobra nest. After we went back to the beach, as always I gravitated towards the group of people doing circus, it so happens that they were friends of Chotu's and we hung out and I went in the sea for a good dunk until it got dark, the sea here is so warm even though the day was overcast I could still see rays of sunshine out to sea, after a bit we went back to the house and ate, played more games of chess, however I haven't managed to stop smoking beedies are just to easy to smoke,
I had a bit of a spin today, and when I get my sim card up and running ill start my 365 days of circus however they may be sporadically uploaded as and when I have a decent internet connection
Anyway Goa is full power as is popular to say here
So i woke quite early and set about making some cakes, so that took most of the day after we went for a tandori chicken on the beach, went to a dub night saw my friends from the day before and went to hang out on the beach, there was a thunder storm of sheet lightening, which lasted for hours until the sky finally broke open and rained heavily until the sun rise, we had a good time talking drinking and eating all the night many interesting conversations andany stories and much advice. It has been suggested i go to Dharamshala after kumbh mela to do an introduction to buddhism to set myself up for a vipasana retreat in nepal. As many of you will know quiet and meditative as concepts are hard for me as i find it hard not to stim or make eyw contact or want to communicate in a situation where i cant express myself but i feel it will be an experience i must try to do while in india. anyway after that i want to get a tattoo in nepal.
So all in all a Reggae night followed by a spectacular lightening show on the beach with some good people, great evening although it was strange to feel so much warm rain and see a storm. oh yeah I drove the scooter home, it was good im a natural, we saw some cows in the road and had a dog ride on the scooter with us from the beach so all in all a great evening and tomorrow we go to mapsa to sort my jabs and get some things for a party and our new place...
Well I am an expert back of scooter rider now and I'm getting there with the riding a scooter I even rode home in the dark about 4km with chotu on the back which is cool however I'm gonna skip the vaccine for now until it is easier to get hold of, as I have to find a pharmacy that stocks the vaccine and take it to a doctor to inject me, I rode all the way to mapusa public hospital all for nothing and then to soliem and to arambol and we walked up and down the beach and i had my first fresh coconut which was amazing i feel a little worse for wear as i didnt sleep last night, anyway tomorrow we move into the new place and after it is all sorted i shall be making tracks in my development and sim card shall also be working by then, so i can start on my 365 days of circus, as well as writing out the plans for a mango proposal and some prelim work for the ngo thing, second will be to sort the garden space to make it good to spin fire rope dart in, and teach the local kids some drama games to improve my clown skills. anyway so many plans and today i got next to nothing done considering. as a side not I'm a big fan of all the street animals, there are so many street cows, beach dogs, cats, chickens pigs and goats it's definitely odd to have to watch out for cows in the road on the scooter at night
so i skipped a few days, mostly because i spent a night sick with the first dehli belly in bed upon getting the house sorted.
So the time was filled with sorting things out getting food, sleeping reading and recovering, yesterday i went to a housey techno party, it was a good vibe and i got plenty of spinning done, tomorrow i shall start with my trick a day promise, i think im going to be posting more than one per day at the start to get a head start, and collate all of my tricks i know the names of, i have written out a draft proposal for the mango thing and gotten the ngo stuff off the ground, soon i shall be posting for friends interest in helping start the ngo in the form of a multiple choice form to gain some support and information. so im not behind or ahead, i am thinking of going to hampi but its to far for a day trip, more like a couple of days. im not sure if i want to as its not gonna be easy and although i have some friends gokng there theyre a bit flakey with keeping in contact. in other news im becoming a better scooter driver, today we went to keri beach tried to see the fort mear there but the ferry took to long, i finally got connected to the intenet and its a full moon almost, maybe tomorrow, i am struggling to find anywhere that sells paraffin or kerosene as someone tried to sell me terps as fire spinning fuel earlier.
also i miss my partners, i miss my friends and i wish having people relatively close to hand that i connect with on a deeper level. that being said id still rather be here in 30 degree heat and taking life slowly than rushing around and working hard to stay in england...
tonight im at station im marjim beach and the vibe is nice but its still a bit early later the party starts properly the beach here is lush though come to think of it the vegetation is at top green levels right now, all of goa is so green, the polution is a bit much but i cant change india,,
other plans include putting on a night in arambol for live dub then drum and bass/ jungle djs...
i dont think the season has quite started yet as most of the beaches are still pretty empty and i havent met many back packers, but i guess thats because i havent used the usual cs hangouts or spent time in a hostel. anyway if youre in goa before january please come stay with me and i can sort you out...
i think thats it for my mind blog today
today was a chilled out day i didnt sleep to well and had many odd dreams, mostly fears and hopes but i did get fuel and meet a fellow fire spinner, i also had a bbq with a chicken that was alive minutes before we bought it oh and i got my ears cleaned on the beach, cleansed my crystals stsrted my planking and headstand practice and wrote a self care list, this evening i watched purfume which was an interesting film i didnt get much circus in today so i guess i can spend the morning reading and as time goes on ill collate and put together the different drama games to build my characters, just need a clown partner, oh well, i feel like my trip to hempi on sunday will be nice ill rent a scooter and return to the house the day after. i am enjoying life in goa but i still miss my nearest and dearest. ive started to write more and more which is good considering im supposed to be working on my play.
i am and i have another niggling project, a rough idea that i spent a whild wittling out a while ago that i need to put into a different format and get a to do list that doesnt annoy me, i know colour note does the same but i need a different app... anyway im just procrastinating before sleep.
today was a good day i went to the beach but it was to early and to hot to spin but i met schimon from poland and he showed me his backflip progress and we had many good conversations, i also met laurain again aa she recognised me from the other nights party and we had a nice time on the beach i think these people are my newest friends here in arambol... after the beach i shot a video with my new found friend, and then walked abiut and came home to eat dinner, after dinner i went to the club night at refresh and didnt pay to get in the music was housey techno trance wierdness but the speakers were massive, i had a great dance met a few ccool people and left before the end of the night as i have to go to mupasa and get to hampi tomorrow, anyway goodnight blog im tired now i ate a big chocolate.... after poi t my insomnia is back and i dunno why but im just not getting to sleep that easily and my dreams have been crazy of late... today i got up late as i am struggling to sleep at night, got my things together and had a tiffin box made up for me, when i got to panjim station i walked around and caught up on admin trying to figure out where to buy my ticket however i couldnt find the place so i got an iced coffee and some popcorn for the journey and spoke on video call with anya it felt nice to video chat as it was so good to see her face and hear her voice, it made me miss her more but im glad she took the time out to call me, i guess that is important as otherwise i would avoid a phone call like the plague, anyway im just watching a film on my laptop as im struggling to feel tired at all and i forgot to pack chocolate for the journey however i still have plenty of energy balls, im hoping to run out while in hampi to make the return journey easier. anyway just another day where its to bumpy to read and write and to hot anx cramped to do anything apart from get to where youre going... im not the biggest fan of this kind of day but i can but try to put things together. so today i woke up a bit late downloaded some dj software and charged my laptop, and got some things to read for the bus back to goa tomorrow evening, today i went out on the bike after having a nice breakfast and a smoke with the german guys from the place im staying, we rode to the waterfall and hung out there for a bit, i had a bit of a dunk and watched someone backflip into the water but i didnt go all the way in as it looked pretty dirty even though it was nice and cold, then we wrnt for a bike ride around the paddy fields and saw all of the processes of the rice at different points from planting to harvest, then we drove back getting a meal by the aquaduct, and than i head back into town without my canadian and german friends, got some super ripe fruit, a papaya with no seeds a perfectly ripe melon and two ripe bananas heaven, i went up to the sunset point and spun fire, got some footage and watched the sun set i also had a bhang energy ball blended into my chocolate shake and my muxed fruit lassi it was super good, i may or may not do yoga tomorrow if i like getting up at seven... today i woke up with zero energy so went back to sleep had a few things to sort in the morning to the afternoon so have some old gopro photos, i spent the day making videos for instagram out of the last few videos ive taken in eye of buddha, spent some time with some people from yemen, and alaa who ive been seeing thw last few days there, i met tanya outsude temple of love, as the drum circle happened we did a fire show together got some great videos and played with every prop. we spun again next to the drum circle and tanya and raoul got offered a job doing led at an avatat theme party, then i went to spin in namastay for a bit had some tea and spun some more fire and took more videos, tomorrow the plan is to go down the from of the beach terracing to the most crowded places with out routines, so i look forward to that its really nice to collaborate and create something, after i spun in namastay i got offered a fire spinning show at kite festival i hope tomorrow they get back to me, i also have to get the warlock costume made and pick up the material from mapusa in the next two days, so that will be good i really want this warlock character costume... anyway injuco, kite, sunsplash and heading to kumbh melha after the festival work stops here should be good for my career which was one of the main reasons i came out to india, and it seems to be manifesting nicely i wont forget to visit the rest of india but i probably wont do the vipasana as i want the career to be better rather than the silence... anyway i do love the world and im enjoying how things are going... so today i went to the place with the good coffee for breakfast, had some eggs and toast said goodbye for now to a few people i met in hampi, and went to spend the rest of the day next to the waterfall again, had a fruit salad and went into the town to return my bike and go to the other side of the river i found a cool place to have a smoke and a meal and hung out there for a few hours as monkeys stole my bananas becuase i was carrying them in a plastic bag next time in the bag, i also stroked many cows and fed a baby one a banana, and even blended a energy ball into a mango lassi whih is pretty great, i got on my bus with plenty of time, i didnt take any photos of the temples or ruins but im more into natural beauty and natures splendor, no matter how much i try to have an interest in the more anthropocentric views of the world... anyway i am going to try to sleep for the rest of this journey and im looking forward to getting a some dye for my hat and doing some shopping and photo taking in mapusa before getting back to arambol, oh yeah and i got a silly sun hat as i was sick of not having one to protect my head from getting to hot photos to follow when im in a tourist photo opportunity until then you miss out on seeing my silly hat... and i put myself onto a vapassana course for february in kathmandhu in nepal, hopefully after i will get a tattoo and have learnt something, i hope i will have enough time to get from kumbh mela to varanassi and into nepal from the 14th in the north... today i woke up pretty early and couldnt get back to sleep in before gettin off the bus, i had a look around mapusa market for stuff for energy balls, came back and made them then headed to keri bdach to hang out with deema alex and their new friends, all in all ot was a nice day we jad them over for dinner, we had matthi chicken and fried fish, i definately drank more than a few drinks and i dont feel like i want to do that to much, i shall enjoy my time here in goa and make sure to train a lot, i read about the concept of seitzen dunno if i spelt yhat right which equates to one minute a day at your hobby or side quests will help more than trying to commit to many each day, i am enjoying doing my research for my play, circus and whittling away bit by bit at the end game which i guess is to be flexable strong and knowledgable on my subjects of interest, i think over the next week i shall start revisiting and writing up my ideas, taking into account my online research and get started, and try to draw some every day, i still have tattoo designs to draw, and things to work on, i shall finiah my book and have to start on the next major piece of reading... so all in all i enjoyed my time in hampi as it was super great to get a holiday from my travelling and come back, tomorrow i need to finish packing my energy balls and continue my plank and stretching exercises, and go to the beach in the early afternoon to meet people and circus around a bit... so today i got up quite early finished what i started from yesterday, and washed my clothes, i also managed to train on my roof an hour and got some good practice in, i then went to arambol and sat in a coffee shop to download some things and send some loved ones voice messages and make sure everyone is doing well and is reminded that i love them, tomorrow i shall install traktor on my pc and delete virtual dj, as i prefer tractor, still need to learn decks but its not to important right now. i also wrote a more solid scene plan for my play and met some awesome people on the beach, and trained in the late afternoon until the sun went down, i was just followibg aimlessly and met a few people from the beach earlier who cam help me with promo as i want to do a tester day party, to try to put together live bands for the first half and djs for the second, psy and drum and bass, reggae, dubstep and probably a bit of donk, so exciting plans im making headway, i shall write the rest of my forst draft tomorrow and try and get up early enough to train on the roof either that or get some bamboo and plastic and make some shade for me to train and be able to see the pc screen to learn a move although today was really super hot at 38degrees i was definately melting a bit, so many plans get motorbike and visit many places, anyway in other news it was so good to send all the love out and recieve it back ten fold, im starting my cbd course now, i shall try the two or three drops before sleeping, write blog posts, do last things before bed and sleep waking refreshed in the morning ideally, love to all that read this occasionally i took photos of my room and house today but thats it however i made a good video of my spinning not my best spin but i guess i need to think about routine and create one, but i hung out on the beach and did some things on my pc at home ate, i then went to a restaurant and finished my packed food with a tea and a roti, then came home with the guy from vienna as he needed a place for one night, now its time to take my 3 drops of cbd, with the aim of roof training tomorrow morning, its also time to do the stretching routine and try to upkeep my rituals, im really inspired by this one minute a day thing, i have really taken to it, im looking forward to when season is in full swing here and j start my party, i also need to pick up a dappo star just because its super cheap here, anyway i need to work out if im in budget, and in other news im not missing getting laid i do miss the cuddles and the human contact as it isnt so common in india i guess its gonna be worse when i quit smoking for a bit, i dunno im just quite tired, i havent done to much and i woke up at 12 so i guess a 12 hour day is whats for me today and back to training and then the beach again tomorrow, may try to do a few tattoos soon too
but yes things are going well and i do want to buy a motorbike to travel from kumbh mela with as it should be a good drive to try and be on the hustle...
anyway im already so tired, i guess the heat isnt to for me and the night i cang be asked to train but tomorrow...
today i just trained, chilled in eye of buddha for a bit gave dan a lift back into town and got myself a flask and some good coffee finally, i made it cardamon, cinnomon and chilli, its great and quite energising, for the day, im soon to stop renting the roof as there is no shade and it will cost me to make some and there is shade near here which i can use, tomorrow i plan to have a good full engliah breakfast veggie style which will be tastey, tomorrow i shall try to call anya as i miss her, and i want nudes so i can have a wank preferably sent to me so i dont have ti try to use the crap internet, as it has taken three days to download a film, so honestly im so horny, i havent gone this long without sex in a long time... but oh well im sure it will come when its supposed to, oh yeah today i actually walked throught the stalls to look at stuff, tomorrow i hope the tailor is open so they can make me a new dart head, as im sick of the lack of aero dynamics and toughness in my dart head currently, but it seems im in a flow here and business is good, i look forward to getting my bike when i go north, i think the plan is to leave goa around the 8th so i want a drum and bass party by then, i should also put out a message on arambol message boards requesting a meetup for drum circle and fire spin, that way i can get to know the people spinning and maybe make an attractive friend, im glad i didnt come here to find love apart from love for myself, which id say im gaining, as i can deal with being horny go no avail anyway i need to sleep as i was planning to go to the party but didnt get there early enough to sneak in and i couldnt be asked to climb a fence, so i came back and schemed with chotu about kumbh melha,
anyway to who actually reads this i love you good night xxxx
today I got up quite late and made a veggie full english for me and chotu, got myself sorted and went to see if the tailor was open, it wasnt so i went to my cafe had a tea and wrote out the rest of my play, i tried to organise a fire spin but noone showed so i give up for this week and will try again next monday, i then went to a few of the places i can spin fire for a good meal, and free tea and to pass a donation hat around, ive also started using anydo, i plan to write my play on the phone tomorrow and try to understand the play writing format. i also bumped into tanya by chance and chilled with her and her friends, tomorrow we meet pick music to spin to and i do my first show with them and im excited to find people to do clowning games with, as there is a theatre in arambol which would be a greatvshaded practice space to hold workshops so i shall work on that stuff on my computer... i then went to the beach was super tired and went home but i left the house key with chotu. so i had to go and pick him up luckily the neighbour hosted me for a short while and gave me wifi and a charger, i spoke to anya today and was reminded how much i miss my people not these kind of friend people or people i get on with but we just sing from differeng hymm sheets, i would like to find more people i could make a close connection with, i miss having someone tk cuddle and im feeling a bit lonely, not that i dont have peopld its just the lack of people i wish to hold and people that hold me, well i guess thats life, oh well tourists anx temporary friends it is then... on to tomorrow i hope that the spin goes well and that i find something good to do... goodnight
today i made a spannish omlette and woke up about 9 and read in bed for a bit, and still feeling tired i made lemon and ginger coffee, cooked a spanish omlette and a softened veg curry on the side for me and chotu packed lunch and got on my ped and went to the eye of buddha for a bit, went through a load of music go pick a song i settled on koto by clozee for now but i do like others its just for me that song has so much flow so sorry charlie. i also rewrote my play on the notes for the first time and sent it to people so i hope it will be recieved well, as there will be clarifications and criticisms to take on board if you want to see it it is pasted below. anyway i met tanya and went to sweetlake to practice after hydrating properly, and finishing one of my main tasks, we practiced span fire and i went to smoke with sherif and took him to totem on my scooter, i met the people there that fire spin and im going to go to their space to do some fire spinning and teach them some things, next stop costume that is ninja cool to wear and covers my skin, and after that i ended up chilling in rockiz with tanya and some others and talking a bit, met with laurain too as the party had a crap vibe and she wanted to smoke a j with me, from the other night, anyway im quite proud of my play...
A script that's not my own
Act 1 the disarray
Scene 1 the symbolic realm:
The scene is set with four shelves running diagonally to the front of the stage so the audience can see between each one and there is another shelf at the back to the stage left to create an area for the protagonist to start, there is a checkout to stage right where stands a checkout person.
Scene opens with the protagonist sat on the ground stage left amongst a pile of random largish objects that's are different primary colours, they start to organise the items onto the shelves until they seem relatively content, then the rest of the scene get a lit as if it were a supermarket and there is now the chorus messing with the order of things, shopping and coming into the protagonists isle, moving things around and generally putting things into bags to in order to head to the check out.
The protagonist is flitting between reorganizing this new space and their space, and trying to do some shopping the chorus are doing much the same but either avoiding or getting in the way of the protagonist then heading to the checkout to exit stage right, the protagonist is showing more and more tension as the scene develops and the scene ends with the protagonists forced interaction with the checkout staff, think no eye contact and no personal contact at all and puts money on the checkout before looking back at the mess of the scene and exiting swiftly, there are supermarket noises going on over the speaker and the cost of the item is said also over the speaker and not by the character.
Scene 2 a script that's not my own:
The scene is set with all of the shelves pushed to the back of the stage, a stage to stage right. There are stacks of manuals, books, scripts and paper stacked on the shelves and tables that are across the middle of the stage
The scene opens to a busy coffee shop the chorus are sat around the space at the tables on the stage, the lighting is daytime. The protagonist enters the cafe and from this time there is an audible din coming over the speakers of people speaking in different languages getting louder and louder, my protagonist tries to sit with a group but they blank them, they then look through one of the books and tries again this time with a different group the chorus change position, every few minutes or so interacting with each other, but not with the protagonist, the protagonist gets more and more frustrated as the chorus treat them with indifference to avoidance, as the protagonist gets more frustrated they go from placing the books back to throwing books and manuals that haven't worked to one side. As the scene progresses the protagonist starts to trash the place grabbing stacks of paper and throwing them all over the stage, then starts to kick over the tables and chairs. As this happens some of the chorus avoid them and tidy up, some of them leave the stage the rest of the chorus hold the protagonist still and one member slaps them on the head with a newspaper and then the chorus holding them carries them out of the space. Lights out.
Scene 3 sensory overload
The scene is set with all of the shelves pushed to the back of the stage and the books manuals and papers on the shelves, the stage to stage right has instruments on it. And at back stage left there are decks and a stack of speakers. And the tables in the middle are reset. There is still detritus from the previous scene and there are piles of powder paint bought into the scene as the band plays on newspapers and that are placed about the stage and on the stage stage.
The scene opens at daylight light in and the chorus are still sorting out the mess from the previous scene as some of the chorus file in to sit at the tables and stand at the shelves, the sound coming over the speakers is the same mismatch of conversations but this time it gets louder and louder until it reaches a high volume. As my protagonist enters they sit with people and try to make sense of the interactions around them, as the scene develops a band comes on stage and starts to play as the lights turn down to gig levels, when the music becomes polyrythmic and the band kicks the powder paints off the stage the chorus push the tables to one side and start to dance now it's a lively gig venue and there are more and more chorus added to the stage throughout the scene, the protagonist starts to get into the scene as the band kicks piles of powder paint off the stage, the lights drop to low think rave scene and flashing coloured lights the band keeps playing and now the dj starts playing a mix of the samples from the scenes, the gibberish and other languages getting mixed as samples with the polyrhythmic music the sounds all getting mixed together until they make breakcore. By this point the chorus are going crazy flinging powder paint and confetti cannons, they're putting on and wearing masks and costumes and changing with other chorus members as they appear throughout the club scene until no one is recognisable anymore. The protagonist then gets wrapped in cling film and tied up by the chorus, as the music turns into breakcore and the flashing strobes different light and paint dust still in the air, with a spotlight strobing on the protagonist who is full of tension but unable to move as they're being cling filmed to themselves and tied to the spot. When the wrap is done the music stops suddenly the chorus leave and the protagonist is left tied up centre stage tied with a spotlight on them as they lie down exhausted and confused the scene ends lights out.
End scene end of act 1
Act 2: at your own pace:
Scene 1: the othering:
The scene is set with costume pieces around the stage.
The scene opens with low light on the protagonist who has their arms cut out only to be taped to crutches by the chorus, they then have stilts added to their feet and get other costume bits added to them until it is only their face that isn't covered all manner of things have been added to them to change they're shape, then have them get covered by a cape/animal skin, and wings are added as the chorus members add things to the character they exit the stage and chorus members dressed as animal tamers come on stage as this jim Henson esque protagonist gets lead off stage.
Scene 2 diagnosis,
The scene is set with a desk back centre stage.
Chorus lead back on the protagonist in costume, the spotlight is on them still they're lead to the centre of the stage and tied down, there is distorted speech on the speakers that goes into recognisable speech welcoming in the protagonist to the doctors office, it then explains the different symptoms of autism and the different difficulties experienced by the protagonist scene by scene so far, going on to explain the biomedical view of autism and culminating with how autists feel that autism is a set of differences within the neuro diverse set of mental differences, and most of the world is made for the neuro typical there is space for finding your pace and place within the world,
So while this is being said over the speakers, the chorus remove all of the pieces of costume leaving only the wings and the ropes as the scene gradually gets lit to the doctors office the protagonist then shakes the hand of the doctor and leaves by being taken off the scene in the air by the ropes.
Scene 3: coping within the disarray:
The scene is set like the first scene but changes to the third scene. By the checkout being replaced by a stage and instruments on stage left and at the rear the speakers and the dj is be in added,
The scene starts with our protagonist in their space again lights only on that area this time they navigate the spaces in the first act well they then leave the supermarket as the cafe scene get a created behind them, the protagonist enters the cafe stage left and meets some friends and interacts with them and the bands starts as the scene changes into a busy gig venue, as the protagonist navigates this scene dancing around with their friends and the lights go down again this time joining in with the dancing and the costumes and the breakcore this time still mixed with different samples from the play. The lights and music slow and stop and the chorus exit the stage taking things with physical goodbyes like handshakes and hugs. There is a bed wheeled on stage to the area that was the protagonists bedroom as the chorus close them in with shelves and they walk towards it, and everyone leaves the stage the lights turned low as the protagonist gets into bed. lights off.
Done for now, any improvements, things to clarify, additional information, formatting issues or anything else as this is my first attempt at writing a play.
Also if you know a good guide for the format to a stage show script that would also be very useful
yeah so next part review and revise
today was a good day, i woke up cooked breakfast ate and went to namastay to train, i got a new move and drilled some combinations i just need to do the move more satisfactory... i also played some speed chess, oh yeah i went to the tailor on the way to namaste and the dart head and cover were made, tomorrow i pick up the shrodinger with covers, and saturday ill pick up the materials for costumes from mapusa, with a nice person i met today, i met three awesome groups of new cool people taday, went to eye of buddha and sweetlake but i was juggled out, went to cookie walla for an open mike which was pretty good then went to namastay saw satnam and remet the videographer for kite festival promotion which has gone well i have some suggested reading, and some solid plans for the next few days, and on sunday i shall draw out chotus skeleton tattoo and do it... anyway im pretty tired and i hugged a cow today, proof coming tomorrow and more videos to be posted to instagram and facebook, im trying for this self promo malarkey... i also designed my warlock costume as a first draft and i need a satisfying ninja outfit so i am buying fabric for myself too today i woke up about 10 after going to sleep quite late, recieved 10 messages from anya in an array of nice photos and streams of consciousness as well as my tarot reading, and anya says "this reading says youre doing real good at being your natural, open, loving self!!! Obviously in a very creative and nurturing time 😊 youre in a period of letting go completely, and moving into a new phase, breaking old habits (same from when i did your reading at livi's). Particular focus on false fears hidden in your subconscious.. its quite likely you dont even know what these are yet. Be cautious of tricksters and destructive energies, the soul shrinker is about! Critical and malicious thoughts?? Are you being compassionate to yourself? Is this a load of hippy dippy bull crap? Many questions left to be answered?" i do love her anyway i replied when i got to namastay and circused for long while, working on the one sided half handstand kick thing im trying to learn for a horizontal timmy frizzle handstand move, i also worked on handstands and stretched and hung out with the awesome namastay people and taught someone to juggle in 2 minutes <3, i picked up my wick covers on the way there and went to the beach with the namastay crew about 5 and headed back for a meeting for 7 did a fire show and ate some tastey food provided by totem and made a couple hundred rupees and another video, then went to twice in nature to listen to some music and met up with the cool yoga people from yesterday, now im not very tired but need to be up tomorrow morning super early to go meet kati to mapusa and buy material for costumes my sash whip and rope dart satin and if we find the good soft thin leather then i can get a wizard hat made :3 anyway she is nice and i find her super attractive but she has a partner back home so i dont know if shes open or if shes not available but i shall not think about it to much and see if a moment arises where its very obvious she wants to kiss and ask... who knows... anyway i need to work out where the good material shops in mapusa are, the amount of each fabric i need and the prices of fabric... today i got up super early went to try to find the place and got kay to send me a number via whatsapp, to get hold of kati who i met to go to mapusa today we made it in good time and we get on well so ive made a new friend, i saw raul and mari in the market too, picked up all the best material and drove back the longer way, and got an omlette sandwich which was perfectly seasoned and fried which was super good and smoked a j with a guy that was sat their waiting out the heat, we then got back to the house and ate something packed the cloth away and left to meet xav, essa and allie, with kati in tow, we tripped and span a lot watched the sunset from the beach and had a super chilled out meal, it was great to meet so many people that have that self love when i guess im still working on mine, because i often doubt my own time and space which i have a lot of here sleeping alone pushig past my comfort zones and boundries within training and fitness, i have some sick skills and im starting to feel that im enough because i am, so i dont doubt my love for myself and i know im a lot happier with who i am and myself than ive ever been and i grow to accept me and the different parts of life that shape me that arent too great and to encourage the deeper understanding and love for myself, my confidence in myself is great and i dont feel like trying to sleep with anyone but i have really enjoyed this being around people i instantly get on with... anyway tomorrow dub and another day with those fun guys today i woke up to early and couldnt get back to sleep i saw the yoga guys, and had a nice chill day ate lots of food and felt super tired i tried to nap but couldnt so now im super tired, tomorrow i need to find some references and finalise my designs for costumes, and i should know how much i need to get jules to send me... yep i think im super drained right now but its just tired drained today i had my costomary long sleep, as i felt so drained that i had to sleep properly, i finished my book on physical theatre and i started its an experience, its ok so far but written from a whiny point of view, that seems so popular in american writing... i spent some time with kati allie and xav before heading to namastay to pay for tea and toast from the other day, met ripley gabe and tom, killed about 20 mossies and chilled and said goodbye to ripley as shes heading back to the states, then ee hung out ate some food and i headed back to watch a film at home, oh yeah and i wemt to the tailor to get the dart ribbon replaced and designed two new costumes and i totally am gonna bring pleated trousers back from the middle ages :) goodnight so yesterday i met up with gabe and raul, had a trippy spinny day and went to shiva valley afterwards, was pretty good just more than a bit exhausted, time to rest and recouperate today i slept caught up with people and hung out in namastay, went for food at a mexican place, it had too much tumuric to taste authentic but it was nice, anyway im gonna finish watching aladdin and go to sleep so today i went to namastay met tanya and raul later got some washing done and slept in til 12, i didnt manage to see the tailor, but i will tomorrow, i had a great evening dancing to some dub in morjim, rock water cafe but before that i spun fire at the hippy market, then went for a meal and a dance at the melting pot to some folky instrumental music, then i went to morjim to dance to the dub and it was dubby indeed, but lots of roots and a little bit of jungle then had one last smoke at namahstay and went home im hungry and i do miss my friends but i do make new ones pretty easily although most of them leave soon which is a shame, i dont really know what to do next anyway im pretty tired and am struggling to hold the phone, and i want too meet gabe before he leaves. today i hung out at namahstay all day, ate a cookie got munched by mossies and said goodbye to gabe, then i went to twice in nature, where i performed some fire for a meal and i have meeting tomorrow to arrange to do more, then we went to namahstay and black sheep where i was to full and tired to do much of anything anyway it was a lazy day... i am definitely falling into a putine here its a nice chilled out place and as long as i just follow along when im not doing much and i keep trying ill be a famous performer before i know it :) so i miss my family but im making friends and family here, so many super cool people and lots to do so i had a pretty good day today, got some mesh, and some wire now i gotta get some chain and find a way to screw a kevlar together so after that i met kati at dream garden then went to namahstay tried to go to the meetung with twice in nature but hippy time was key, i chatted to anya which was super nice and i found some kevlar but it was expensive, smoked and chilled all day and organised for the show in the night, where i got fed but i was supposed to get a cut this time, but ill speak to them tomorrow, gotta get more paraffin tomorrow as raul needs another litre, so the show went well and i think i shall do it again here for sure, so plans galore, i met some cool people at this gig and i hope to meet them again, as i fancy one of them she is a cute french girl, although i have forgotton her name, damn oh well such is life, apparently the english accent when speaking french is considered super sexy and cute, i am super looking forward to dub tomorrow its gonna be fat, and ill do some fire there for sure and make some moneys hopefully anyway enough rambling and time for bed, it feels i have no trouble sleeping at the moment either so yesterday i had a good day shooting for the video, went to the riva party spun some fire, met some super cool people, and some people in the organisation for the dub partia here, we then went to the techno party, and i went to drop off kato back at her place and said goodbyes to kati, allie, essa and xav as kati and allie are leaving india today, and essa and xav leave tomorrow so i fell asleep at their place and now i wake up ready for the day of shooting for a video today... today was a lot of fun even though i was super tired, i worked out that i have to go to thd right kind of pharmacy and in siolem to get, nootropics, anti fatigue pills and sleeping pills, as itd be still cheaper than a doctor, so thats an aim soon, i shall go on wednesday as i think modafinal will help with the lack of focus in my training and studying, i think i need to be doing more and lazing around less... that and id like to be able to sleep after a party, i dont think i was in the rigjt place to write yesterdays one this morning it doesnt work to well, but there are exciting things ahead, im also trying my best to do as much work as i can get for spinning whixh is going ok, i need to get these props made soon and a new rope dart wick made, so anyway today i woke up at kati, essa allie and xavs place this morning on the balcony after about three hours, said my goodbyes and drove allie and essa to their bikes got milk and bread and went home and got fed and watered and ready to take on the day, so i headed to namahstay to work on the video shoot for the advert for partyhunt goa, which was good fun it lasted all day and i think we got some good footage, so after we got a 90 rupees thali and went to the ecstatic dance i liked the music but i wasnt feeling energetic so i went to namahstay had a few good conversations and played a bad game of chess now im home writing my to do lists and thinking about how much i miss the physical presence of my partners like the hugs and the sleeping and having someone to open up to and give and hold that space, so i guess i dont feel super confident about asking people to just kiss me here as the cultures are so diverse and i dont want to offend anyone or lose a friend juat because i say i like them as im never really sure if someone is single or poly or open or against that but i guess i will find out soon enough as i have a couple of people who i have an interest in, so i guess i just have to ask the question of if they want to spend some time hanging out one on one and taking things from there as i dont know and would like to know if anyone is into me, as i might be a super good fire spinner but i still find that connection and reading vibes thing hard, anyway im tired its time for bed... this morning i woke at a reasonable time caught up on stuff reactivated my fetlife account and drew out chotus tattoo and went to the bank, saw essa before he left which was good, i miss that group already, so much love and energy it was great having them around, so after that i said goodbye to sambu as hes leaving for the kumbh, then i went to namahstay had a great thali at a place off the road, i think i need to start taking photos of what i eat and drink too, mostly to check that im eating enough or the right foods, so i hung out in namahstay got some drawing and such done and met some cool people there made some new friends and im looking forward to tomorrow when i get to tattoo chotu meet up with linda from the shoot and draw some stuff and have a meeting for a fire video shoot so i think i have covered most of the things, i need to go to the fabricators next time i go to the fuel place and get them to make the metal parts of my new prop heads, im gonna make a chathedral head for my dart as my current one is not doing to well but there are still a fair few burns left, that being said a spare one would be great, also i ned to take all materials to the tailors and show the brother what i want, id then be able to get an accurate price and send the costumes to the uk, and send the things i have made here home anyway im still super awake so much sleep is needed but i guess i shall have a busy day tomorrow today i tattooed chotu, the skeleton he wanted, then i went to the tailor, then to meet linda to draw for a while, got some cool designing done, then i met a rope dart guy that was silly good which has been a long time for me hes been doing it seven years so we spun together trading tricks for a bit with the plan to do the same tomorrow, as i like to learn lots of new stuff so im super excited, i finally managed to sort out jules and stans and my costumes with the tailor today, then had the meeting for promotional footage for our profiles for kite, and also workibg at kite festival, it should be good fun and it pays one lekh rupees for the project, so i totally cant wait for that, all stops out very impressive costumes and themes and choreography all great stuff, tomorrow i have to go to the aluminium shop to get them to make me a cylindrical cage for charcoal dart and i think it should be about 8 inches by 4 inches with a lid, sketch out a design and show them also get them to make me a decent connector for the dart, so yeah i also planned my road trip is about 11 days of driving after getting to the kumbh mela so 42 days after leaving goa minus two to get to the kumbh and three/five days there, leaving me with 37 days to travel india and so its about 4 days max as an average in a place, before i have to do a hard long haul on the bike i shall get a cruiser as the bike to travel around and i did a fire show with dan and boynoa we all smashed it got an ok hat, i had a good biriani and cheesey naan i.a beech shack when i met dan. after then we went to morjim but it was boring night so i just left anyway its past my bedtime ttfn today i got up ran some errands went to meet my dartist friend before he left as he slept badly and decided against staying another night, so i just followed the flow of the day and ended up in namahstay and then the night market drawing, i got most of my clown games down and formatted on docs so its good, after i went for a meal at the great tiny place i went to the other day, which was so good, i met a dude thats wiling to suspend me and make my flats dermal punched out, i also went to a minimal tech downtempo stuff which i liked all of but i was super tired and now im home so today i got up went to the fabricators to get them to make me my cage for charcoal, then i went to ink baba and hung out with those cool people for a bit, learnt a few things i am pretty excited about doing a suspension and working on some more serious body mods, which is sick, i am looking forward to getting hand poked by linda it should be a giggle at least, i then went to meet dan and banyoa to spin at keri beach all afternoon which was good as we saw a mongoose cross our path which means i might meet a girl, followed by a great thali at rajas then namahatay and a refresh party which we performed at but it wasnt a good vibe and a stop gap at some russian place on route before rolling into bed at 630am today i woke up quite late as i required a good sleep and recharge, the modafinal definitely helps but its not something i feel the need to use unless im going to get up and start my day super early and have a hardcore days of drills or if i have a lot of work i need to do, as i felt super drained today, anyway i got up and ate aloo paratha which is so good, spent the afternoon chilling then did a show there but it wasnt really the crowd or gig for it, as its the full moon tonight linda suggested we charge the crystals at keri beach, so we went about 11 or so and spent time talking and going about our clensing and charging, after a while we kissed and this is so good, as i like her a lot as a person and how she is, i hope this continues and i shall see her tomorrow but yay, person i like, likes me back, not that im to shocked the mongoose was the omen twice now ive seen them in the same area, oh yeah i saw a porcupine tonight as well. so the last few days were a blur of activity i went to riva anf then to a techno party i ended up falling asleep after a meal and s home made expresso martini, today i didnt do too much apart from the video for kite festival and i got a roast dinner, anyway im super tired and excited for tomorrows clown workshop...
so yesterday i hung out at namahstay and did my clown workshop ate a meal paid for by a client, tried to sort a few things and tried to go to bed early, chotu was super drunk wben i got home and he asks me to leave, procedes to break my oil jar by accident as he was so drunk, i told him he cant drink like that, he gets into such a state, anyway im upset my oil jar is gone but what to do....
today i got up early ate a breakfast of fruit and went to mapusa and calungute. got lots of material for rope darts, and silk things and then went to the dub party i felt so super tired that i had to leave the party at 230 and i fell asleep with my phone and glasses still on...
today i woke up about 1pm and went straight out, i picked up paraffin and went to ink baba to hang out with that crew for a bit, got some great isreali food and an oreo iced coffee. after we played a couple of tickle games after explaining sock wrestling, one being a blade of grass up the nose, the other being to tickle the roof of your opponents mouth, loser is the one to back up first, so good fun. after that i went to namahstay and hung out there for a while, spoke to a few people didnt end up doing the shoot today, met up with nina and had a meal at cookie wallah and now we're watching gremlins and sleeping, tomorrow im doing lindas tattoo and i cant wait.... today i got up hung out with nina and helped her sort some things did lindas tattoos did final part of the fire video shoot, and responded to a long message from anya met up with a few people went to this is it to meet nina, im feeling pretty great but tomorrow i must busk at riva as i need the cash, its a worthwhile thing though, also i got into lemonade for free which is great anyway night xx the lazt few days have been much of a blur, i met luna at the riva on sunday did probably my best fire show of my life, then did new years, had luna proposition me as the first girl whos ever done so, i didnt do my clown workshop as im in for condoling my friends losses yesterday the rest of the time had been spent having sex and deep chats, i do miss the connection and my other partners, although nothing compares to having someone in person, it will be sad saturday when she goes, but hopefully ill see her before i leave india... anyway my emotional and physical state of being is doing ok, but my ropd dart is fucked, i need a new one... yesterday i went to paradise beach with luna frollicked in the sun and generally bummed around had an early night and woke refreshed, today i am going to sew all of the rope darts i can and find something to do tonight so today i didnt get inked it put me in a funk for a while and lunas energy was a bit off today, i went off to go see linda and had a seriously deep chat with her and her doctor friend which was kinda hard to be heard in but thats as the focus wasnt on me, i really wanted that catharsis through pain that im missing in my life also i think its super hard for me to deal with havkng expectations destroyed im still not good at that at all, oh yeah yeaterday i also did all of the sewing and im having another sewing day soon then went to ecstatic dance but it felt to druggy and like the energy was wrong there were to.many distracions and not enough consideration of invading my touch barrier as im.tryong to flow. anyway i need to design some rope dart stuff do some fixing of my fire dart using the spare kevlar, and my sewing skills by hand, so tomorrow i may get inked by bennett so he can do me some scar work im super excited at the prospect and im really looking forward to finally getting that stuff done so hopefully tomorrow morning will be good to sort that out. also chotu is leaving tomorrow and i have a few people interested from couch surfer and a friend coming on thursday, anyway today was a wirlwind of emotions as i felt luna was super off all day, and i left my phone on charge while i went to get lunch and she thought i ditched her and realised thats shes not so good with her emotions as such its hard to gauge but its still fine, i shall head to see linda and get my charger drop off the helmet and see bennett all before 12, make sure i eat, i also took two atizolm/etizolam which are feeling quite nice, anyway turns out lunas intuition about the bike was right i got a puncture and had to get it repaired quickly, anyway im glad she appreciated me and the connextion we shared i hope to see her when i visit rajasthan... also super psyched for the kumbh, im thinking when my rent is up i may go to kochi to see whats down there and return for the festival at the beginning of feb, then off to the kumbh but unless theres something i need to do in goa, also i can get a honda hero for 35000 rupees to go across the rest of india when i get up to the north and chotu will be doing the journey from here tomorrow so i know its a good bike... also my cbd tastes like paraffin... yesterday i did several tattoos went to riva and hung out with my new friend antione, today i have to go sort out what i was getting sorted at the tailors, tattoo, go for a consultation with bennet, who is a badass for my scar work, might get some blacked out today, before we scar me, i am super excited, im also doing a sewing day either today or tomorrow depending on what bennet wants to do, i shall have to look for a person to share my house as its super quiet here and i have space until thursday, i miss my partners again, i want all three of the satisfying things about a really good orgasm, the physical which is just cumming, the mental which is my kinks and how i reach a higher orgasm and the emotional connection which makes all things amplified better, i asked a girl if we could kiss yesterday and she said no, but oh well time to let today happen as its supposed too, i should be doing a tattoo on naana and raja tonight too, so who knows how this will all transpire but leta hope the universe knows whati require as im feeling a bit sick of arambol but there is so much art and drama for me to do here, its great, but i still feel i want out of here, i want more connected friendships like me and linda are best friends now, as to be expected when you have strong connrction to someone and its worked out as non sexual... anyway i love my self and i know im good enough for what ever im going to face... i still miss having a connection, i just wish i find one thats satisfying with someone whos aware of how they feel... and i want a good cuddle but gohan is always up for a cuddle... today i did so many tattoos met nice people and am on a role tomorrow i get tattooed at ink baba and in two weeks i get scarred... currently at a friends kayed up and a splopium spliff goodnight so much busy in the next few days so a picture of yesterdays tattoo, it looks like im. staying in arambol until early feb to get my entire arm blacked out and scarred with the designs i want is gonna be so good, im also going to do the suspension at some point soon, i need to eat the smoke instead of smoking as my gums hurt, im sure i should do something about it, so yeah back to blackwork the plan is monday we do a mass blackout one long day, and i take the painkillers after taking as much as i can and a meal, then finish it in a session two days after that, then get the scars done when im healed... i lent my house to some people i met and tattooed yesterday and they werent here but their things are so i hope they come tomorrow, im super happy to do the clown workshop again tomorrow, im also sewing stuff thursday.. and will figure how to space out the money or whether i can just give it all to them and book it in... oh well valium is good yesterday i didnt hold my clown workshop as noone showed up but i met up with a few people and got a tattoo from the amazing linda it took a while but im so happy with it, i had to take all the pain killers but i took them in the wrong order, my tattoo is healing well and its time for a sewing day, i have been a bit piss poor at blogging but im on making my art, im also super focussed on money at the moment, im getting a sunsplash ticket for 1500 rupees, the ninja costume is done and ready and soon i shall make a hood... anyway i shall speak about my sewing endeavours after the end of the day.... and im also thinking about not returning until the end of my visa missing bangface as i wabt to give the north the time and not have to rush im so focussed on money as i need to pay the scooter lady 5000 til the 21th and work out money til the end of the month for rent in goa and send the money for my bike by western transfer, and book a train to the north too.... so many thkngs to do i got some sewing done today met kyle met satnam, met up with nathen anf tried to secure a room i can afford until the 4th of feb, my cs seem happy and max arrived today and we had a smoke when i got back, i have to track down rew and get her to send me some money, but it will cost her more in pounds than rupees, oh well i will message her from paypal, i got the rest of my tattoo finished today, it was just a short bit of time but linda says she wishes to go over it when its healed, i also went over her finger tattoos i shall have a ohoto tomorrow, i have the tattoo money sorted and dans money so far, and almost enough for the bike, i spoke to chotu and i have to wire money the bike guy which is a ball ache, i also need to go to calungute to go into the tattoo stuff shop. i have to get up and head out fairly early to get a cheap breakfast somewhere and check if the tailor is done to send the things to jules... i hope shipping isnt more than 500 rupees as it shouldnt cost much wieght or size and the speed should be good if i go to the one nearest namahstay... oh yeah releasing your man chi is not a fun way to get tattooed as advised and proven through me... tomorrow i have to go to town collect the stuff and drop max off at the beach and sew for a bit and i have two or three tattoos for tomorrow afternoon and to meet kyle at some point.... i got a photo of yesterdays tattoo session, i did two tattoos today went and saw some people and got banned from namahstay for a few days because of something stupid, just because of hearsay, im a little annoyed, i got my sunsplash ticket today so its going to be lots of juggling and taking orders for rope darts at the sunsplash, so many good artists and a few things left to do, i still have to design the fucking chef tattoo for raja and im going to do that on tuesday evening... i need to find a new place to tattoo and juggle, and im getting my roots sorted for doing a tattoo today as well as another 2000rupee tattoo, kyle wants one and so do a few other people i have the ticket to sunsplash and need to go speak to jordan tomorrow morning, i also am looking forward to having a mostly sober patty experience as im getting suspended on sunday, then ill hit up sunsplash for a few more hours, i can still go to lindas balcony but i have to find somewhere else to tattoo and a new place to hang out as id quite like to have a cool place to juggle and obtain new clients... otherwise i shall bump into people as i wander the streets of arambol... but i can chill at the pan olive cafe, go back to eye of buddha or this is it but its not as convenient as having my tattoo kit at lindas and doing thr tattoo in namahstay... oh well this to shall pass as i shall see frieda next week and do more sewing for rope darts and talk with ravi when i see him at the namahstay house... who knows i didnt get caught or anyone in trouble or even seen doing anything i shouldnt have so i guess what ever if this is the case that its not just that one thing and its something else then ill have to be loke dude fair enough if you dont like me and dont want me around but dont say its something its not... anyway its all the same and gives me a push for a different scenery... today was the first day of sunsplash which was amazing, i made some deals for tattoos tomorrow, i have someone who wants me to teach them rope dart and someone else to tattoo, ive worked our prices for work which everyone is happy with, tomorrow i get a suspension, like wow im so excited and day two of sunsplash again and a tattoo day monday, but im starting to feel run down, so i think tomorrow im gonna try not to smoke at least in the morning, eat a massive breakfast and really load up on all the food anyway i miss having a lover near me, but i think i will meet the right people on the way but its hard to keep the man chi for the tattoos that is required as im a horny guy and sometimes i want the release, id say im ok to just stop until all this work is done on my body and save the energy for someone and keep the pain levels low, might as well keep everything in order, i feel so kety watching fantasia boom... but i will cook up some edible oil and go to the pharmacy for the best cold and flu meds.... anyway that waa my day floating around a bit to late oh and i got a sunsplash tshirt and bumped into someone from the uk... ive noticed that i write more on this if im high or return buzzed from a busy day... anyway goodnight blog people today i got up did natalies tattoo and went to get some cough syrup, max cooked breakfast for me and i made a couple of litres of anti cold juice, with lemon lime ginger and tumeric, only problem is that it stains everything, including my fingers which are now yellow, i went to get a fallafel before going to the shop to get the suspension, however i am way to ill to be abusing my body anf giving it more to fight... hopefully ill feel better tomorrow anyway tbr dub was so good i took a dub nap and felt much better... but im suslrosed thu phatmect dudnt hsve any cofeine anyay roo tired goodbjhggmmmi today i went to see linda and took a champion amount of ink in one day, only about thd same left when thhe swellong goes down, tomorrow im spending the day in bed trying to recover. i need to get more cough syrup and all of the vitamins and minerals from the pharmacy and try to stay out of the sunlight so wish me luck im a nit to drained to talk more right n9w goodnight blog xxx
i went out to get multivitamins, some ibuprofen and saw aster and kyle, then saw shiva and nathen, checked to see if linda was in, then got some veg and came back did a load of cooking took my cacoughany of pain killers and sickness meds and slept til 4am and watched the second half of the matrix trilogy and re wrapped my tattoo repeatedly. now im awake but not awake, thinking of staying up a little while to draw and watch the film and go back to sleep for a bit
yesterday after i woke up i just stayed in feeling ill and crappy, swollen and sore, and i managed to do much drawing, this morning i started watching pochahontis, which despite the rather pro colonial overtones, anf i starfed crying thinking about my privilage the hurt and pain caused and the state of things in goa, how tourism is down and thats making the police crack doen its so currupt but if it wasnt a neocolonial state then it wouldnt have so much of a shit storm financially for everyone here... how deep a fight about money is ingrained into the culture how everything great from india is exported and indias best is still second best, man it hurts to be in this, i try my best but man its exploitive to the point of making me want to cry... that and ive got to figure out how long until i have to leave here as i need a new place to rent on the 20th, which means packing and moving all my stuff, failing that hoping someone wants to rent here for a couple of weeks with me, but then still i should sort a lot of things its like im leaving but not, i just cant afford 500rupee a night for two more weeks, which is 7000 plus the scooter money, anyway worry and trouble. also im so drained and in do much pain i have a cs arriving soon and i need to enquire about a cheap place with a kitchen, where to do it i dont know but i want more central
so i went out yesterday, managed to speak to namahstay and get unbanned, i painted a picture but the face was no good, i taught jordan how to tattoo and did a first tattoo on harry, and mostly moseyed about my day slowly, im a bit upset however as anya no longer wishes to speak to me every day to have a consistent dialogue, which i understand but i now have no phone connection, i havr the occasional message but no consistent deep conversation, one less thing tying me to the world back home, the occasional video chat doesnt really replace this and my other partners dont talk to me much if its not practicable to see me in person unless its a me reaching out to check in or vice verca but now i just feel more alone and that im lacking any real connection, its the one thing i dislike about travelling is meeting real genuine people who are down to earth and down to create a real connection are very few amd far between, i can always find someone to talk to about vapid stuff but when you travel alone you are never really alone as many people are aroubd you its just they arent your good friends who you can discuss the finer points of the void with, anyway im mourning the loss of consistency from back home and its making me think that i feel very lonely here, not in the sense where i dont feel like im stuck in silence with noone understanding the language i speak, but more in the sense that im really at odds with the kinds of people who come to goa, its party people, the wrong kinds of hippies and tourists or the occasional real traveller, but those people arent my people, i miss the feeling of being in love and having that love in front of me or to have it not so far from my thoughts, as it stands i now have less love near me and my thoughts as i now recieve less messages, yes i feel loved as i know i am but thats a cosmic universal someone out there loves me kind of love which is tapped into and not felt in the same way as actually having connection with someone, i guess i miss connection and with the cycle of change in flow im now lacking any close friends here that i can talk to and lacking the physical movement i require to be ok with all that, my fire dart is broken and i have no idea how to replace or fix it here where everything is a bodge job or super expensive, so many of my outward expressions of self are impeded by my tattoo healing process and the fact anya cant deal with being reminded about how far away i am without it causing distraction to her work and day, this is very sad for me as it makes me feel like im losing something and theres no plus for me here, as i fucking hate phone and video calls i do them when im home ill or when requested otherwise i probably wont get to speak to my people from here at all... i have also had fuck all communication from friends really apart from mr dave which i appreciate very much... but this kind of shit people feeling is so fraustrating. and i dont want to have to remain distracted from others with my own things it makes me disconnect from people more and more and want to just be on my own as my faith in the world to give me a decent connection and allow me to keep it is shattered.... so i guess this path is supposed to lead me to a greater connection with myself but i dont like myself half as much as i likr some other people, connecting with myself is not something i wanna do at a gig or trundling around india, i came to india to gain self love and make connections and improve my rope dart skills, ive done some of two of these things, its not like i dont like myself, its not that i dont tell myself im enough every day, its not that i dont love myself i just want some insense love feelings and to not feel like im alone with noone to express myself too. a lack of expression is whats doing me in right now, i cant express myself or my feelings well enough to a real person its just in the echo chamber of my own consciousness, i just want some reflection and someone who i feel is able to hold space and some fucking cuddles and cute shit... why is that not really a thing these days with all of these conscious people all talking and not listening to me so i feel shit as a response to all this stuff... oh well ill see how today goes
so i went to riva and then to station after, i got so super high and met a lovely irish girl called fay who i let sleep at mine, in the process i lost my hash and spent some money i shouldnt have, but overall i think it will work out all right, i hope fay does decide to live with me, ive really lost my appetite and energy recently just going into relax mode has really drained me anyway i forgot to post yesterday and now its the full moon and im so super tired i literally went to rajas and was falling asleep i couldnt handle any more today, tomorrow i get tattooed so im prepping for that by trying hard not to smoke to much and by getting some good rest, its a good thing other people like me because im.not such a fan of being limited low energy me but its my fault for taking all the kay and i regret not kissing the irish girl because we were to far gone for sex to have worked properly amd there was some chemistry there that and im trying to save my man chi... lets hope bennett is on top form tomorrow and i can take the pain... today i got up and went to cookie wallah and didnt end up getting tattooed as bennetts flight was at 2, so it was ok i still feel pretty ill i did a tattoo on harry which was the symbol for hydrogen, and rajas tattoo for a meal every day until i leave goa, i have decided to keep my house and privacy the same, i will hopefully make some money soon, but tomorrow i am off to calungute to get tattoo supplies and a new smaller better box... i am feeling a little over and underwhelmed, i cant wait for getting a new rope dart head tomorrow i hope to do all the things tomorrow... i love the fact that i got a lot of messages from gina today gosh i miss her and her voice and spending lots of time with her... i also miss getting laid, i need to sort out some more tattoos before i leave, and im also super distracted and not really feeling writing these things, i have to meet my landlord tomorrow morning to pay til the 30th oh i feel ill and i dont have to much i can put into words from my day or how and what im feeling my dragon self is a performer my fox self is a tattooer and my education/therepy self is a cat, do i worked out today that we talk about drugs sex money complaints of ideas as the standard safe conversations to have... so i got kicked out because my landlord wanted to get rent up front and wouldnt sort anything out for me as he said someone has already booked even though i tried to see him before then and he didnt care so i had a stressful morning i went to jordan who lives up the road at aasters with all my shit and he let me stay for a night or two, we went to calungute and did our tattoo stuff mission really quickly, within like four hours we thrn did our own things i spent the rest of the day trying to sort out my new fire rope dart, today i did two peoples tattoos and showed gora what i did with his poi, then hung out at namahstay looked at the place with the roof for 150 rupees a day, and i will hopefully gain some clients but thats tomorrows problem, and chilled in cafe serenity for a bit getting stoned and hanging out... i am also getting a badass tattoo stick made for me in trade for a tattoo which is gonna be awesome he wants a human to t-rex size chart on his leg so i am doing ok at making some money, as its good to make as many tattoos as possible right now... anyway im still out i just forgot to post so the last couple of nights ive struggled to keep a diary, ive started to use the i ching, and ive been just rolling from place to place im still staying with jordan until tuesday daytime then ill be moving into lucas's cheap room for a while until i decide its time to move and figure out what im doing in a sense, this morning has been full of mandidextrous and swing and bass and now im sat having a thali in rajas before riva... so i havent posted in a while im going to try to get back into the habit, so i have been settling into the new place in arambol, after seeing jordan off, i have been fire spinning and feeling a bit under the weather for the most part, getting involved in the shows and juggle jams, then some of the uk spinning crew came to arambol, which was pretty great to train with them, either way im going to blog my shit again... tunes for days, i feel i should write more but not now so today i can be bothered to restart my blog, as ive had a development of ideas day, so silk dart plans are ahead, i need to start the process if i can borrow freidas sewing maching early, but before that i will shower and tidy a little, i will also be making some heavier fabric inserts and making one thats usable and save the rest of the material for mark two... so today i went and moooched around as we decided against the fire shoot until wednesday, so i felt a lot better than i would have if i had taken a vallium to sleep but still lackluster, i went to all the usual places got a meal at milega and pottered off to the beach at sunset, ended up in a cafe planning a shibari rope dart show which i need to start writing and experimenting with different kinds of knots doing research into patterns or just free style a few things on video to get a rough idea make a person shaped dummy to test moves on as i wish to create a clown shibari rope dart routine, i want it to be somewhere between clown and burlesque, subtle and conflicted implied connection but innocent at the same time. also untethered rope dart will be a good thing too, and looking into movements with a super long dart ways to wrap myself so i look super tied up... anyway i digress i have also some ideas for costumes i want to get made, so one three piece ringmaster/pirate/fantasy style tailcoat cool matching waistcoats same style and some durable fitable trousers in the same style, all could be in blacks blues and browns, i also want some ninja style outfits made just as standard black cover for the top half and some traditional style trousers from the movies, must create storyboards for these things... so i am feeling pretty good about myself i think ive made some.headway into self love and self reliance i dont really seem to be finding to many connections but i guess thats because i dont really wear the masks i only wear one and thats to escape the fractured self dissociation... so im planning to leave goa on monday or tuesday depending on when is cheaper and possible and i will head to delhi and agra for a night amd a day then get a train bus or something to jaipur, or in the reverse order, depending on what the person says... i am also looking forward to going to jaiselmere, udaiur, pushkar and the surrounding villages... i hope i can keep up my almost daily activities even with the constantly draining social interactions, by the time i feel comfortable with someone enough that i dont feel drained being around them they are usually moving on... i think i do less in the uk but im not burnt out yet... i just dont think i have that level of motivation and discipline to not do mostly what i want when i want unless its spattered with a lot of rest and self care and ample breaks but when i am motivated to acheive the things i will acheive the things in full force... anyway ill try to get back into writing daily... i should also get photos with my friends on my phone as i have a photo worthy opportunity with them... and on a final note things i am greatful for, rehydration satchets and 1 bottle of water every few days helps me a lot, team teabag being on the fire shows the recording of ourselves, the plans to make a fire video, the fire video for wellbeing mantra festival, that i have some work soon, that i have such wonderful partners and friends even if i dont get to be with them now, how i did not fall into a negative cycle at the end of a trip through overthinking last night and now i feel better, i got to know elliot skye mike spoon and gaia better and bounce ideas off of them i like that i have things to look up and learn and that i can just keep doing what im doing to a lesser or greater degree... i think i was working on to many things in goa and ill have to add some more but all in good time, i need to get an extra bag for fabric and food stuff... and i need to book my ticket...
yesterday i woke up around 9am and got ready to leave my house sorted my phone out, i got a shit tonne of sewing done, i made 8 rope darts, one sash whip, and edited my costume... i need to go buy a bag to hold my material when i leave here on monday, im planning to go to gokharna via train and maybe it will be better for me than here and itll be nice to see linda again... i gave a ropedart to boynao, and were doing a valentines day fire show shortly and were hopefully taking some video soon... today i have to take a video of my sash dart make some food, hand out some fliers, and hopefully meet up with caren before she leaves here... oh well what to do... yesterday all i did was sewing and went out to maias garden... yesterday i went to anjuna to aura for a reggae party and i listened to hitchikers guide to the galaxy radio show tried to not lose money, im also having doubts in this festival coming together for the weekend so hopefully it does and i get paid and if not then i will leave instead either way its a win win situation as im done with this arambol shuffle today i woke up and had a chilled out morning listening to the radio version of hitchickers guide, and gave caren a tattoo and i was almost ready to leave, but hopefully the money for the gig at the weekend comes through, as i would like not to be around for no reason... so yeah after the tattoo i went to get my daily thali and then got a hello to the joker balls to share with caren which was so good after that i headed to the beach and spun some with the homies then prepared for the fire show and we smashed it, we did two half hour shows the first one that was more of a free jam with a chosen track i chose a chinese man track and it worked great then i did probaly my best show to koto... so i think if i get paid tomorrow by satnam ill be working saturday night as id rather not do both nights but what evers, im also so looking forward to creating the video at redy fort im not sure... anyway im well fed and feel like i made some monies today and man i want more of that sparkle stuff... anyway im feeling ok and like i shall cover myself until i leave goa tuesday morning... today i got licked by a cow, went for a cookie wallah breakfast with mike and spoon, tried to sort out a load of the video stuff, i shall have the videos tomorrow saw caren span on the beach and stole some wifi, tomorrow were doing a fire show at maias garden same plan as yesterday so almost all events are cancelled tomorrow, so no work with satnam but team teabag are doing a fire video shoot monday so i have a reason to be here tuesday early im leaving for gokhana and will go up to rajasthan... i need to sort out my silk dart tomorrow unstitch the end and make a new sand bag for it that will hopefully stop it from twisting in one direction... i also downloaded a new video editor so i will make some things ive been writing a performance cv and pdf handout... and my newest tattoo thought is a ratbird from cloudy with a chance of meatballs so many things to draw... so im mostly happy and hope riva will be on on sunday, i also miss having a romantic connection but otherwise im mostly good...
so today i woke up and went straight to cookie wallah to hang with dan, mike and spoon, did some hanging out at maias did a few errands on the scootie, trained a bit on with the rope dart went to cafe milega for lunch and started experimenting with the untethered style of rope dart then we got ready for the show, the show was a success and we got a rider and costs covered so im happy with the things at the moment... anyway i am tired looking forward to leaving arambol and sad to have found out caren had left already... anyway i am looking forward to my last riva...
today i got up had a cookie wallah breakfast went to riva and got some good untethered training in, im not feeling like im going to miss goa at all but im going to miss team teabag, i dont really have to much on my mind but i do have to pack when i get back, its also a lonely life as a rope darter noone is there to be like fuck yeah thats really cool and hard to do... anyway moving my things to josh's house tomorrow morning then ill head to cookie wallah and do a capoeria class tomorrow morning, then video shoot stuff then i leave for gokhana the next morning...
today was my last day in arambol, i got up and ate a breakfast of oats and bananas and proceeded to organise my stuff in order to leave my previous place and go to joshs, it was still so hot even at 10am when i got there, but that could have been the bad packing and having to carry my stuff across arambol, i hung out at joshs for a bit reading stuff on my phone, i then went into town for a coconut and to claim my last meal from raja, i then hung out in maias garden all day waiting for something to happen about the video shoot, so i spent all day waiting around but in the end me elliot and gaia went to keri to take the video which was nice, im missing getting laid and masturbation isnt as satisfying as it has been for me recently... then i got a falafel plate and went home in order to repack and sleep... im not doing to well at sleeping but here i am writing my blog and trying to ko before my bus which leaves at 0845 tomorrow so i figured i need enough time to suower, hydrate and caffienate before heading into the busses and that palavah so wish me luck im finally tired now goodnight ill report back tomorrow
so today i moved to gokarna the journey was a bitch and i paid to much because i went to thivim with all my stuff thinking there was a train today to gokarna and by the time i reached their i chose to get a taxi by myself to panjim when i shoukd have trusted my gut and stayed on the bus to.panjim, well next time i know i should have got off at pernem and gotten to the next station and got the bus from there i ate a lot of the battered chilli and drank a few chai on a journey spanning many busses carrying way to much stuff. i started reading are you experienced on my kindle and honestly it annoys me because the protagonist is so needy and not into experiencing things is super critical and a bit of a creep towards his friend some of which disgusts me as im not the wounded puppy that will do anything for a shag kind of person but otherwise i think the personally attacked by relateable content applies, like i have high standards for certain things and wanting to find some kind of connection, when i guess im at a disconnect with myself, i did some research on dyssemia today which is social languages blindness essentially being a bit wierd and others not liking made me and others like me turn inward and not learn the social skills and display some of the traits of autists, i still dont think this is a useful diagnosis, im not stressed so muxh by life anymore and i display other autistic traits such as stimming although i push for the overload and it takes a lot for me to be stressed out about stuff unless im not fueled well for it or im depleting my energy... anyway i got here and got a room for 250 a night i might relocate somewhere cheaper slash not on the beach and i plan to go further afield in search of a pharmacy for some sleeping pills and modafinal and rent a scooter to go treking in yana up to some mountains, near kumta, go to the mirjam fort, go to half moon beach for shells and paradise beach for look at the beauty and to nirvana beach to see bioluminescent plancton while here too.... anyway once i got off the bus i got a tuk tuk to kudle beach amd walked the rest of the way sorted a room and went out to go see what was about i met roshan on ths beach and he will carve me my stick while im here... we then went for a dosa and a chai which was good and cheap... anyway im tired and achey its time to run some cbd into the achey bits... night.... yesterday got up went for food and after meeting linda and a couple of coffees i laid in a hammock and read until ig got really hot thrn collected myself to head to the town to pick up the things to make life cheaper for breatfast and lunch, then i came back didnt feel like i fitted in anywhere and went to bed about 11 after id sat reading the book about flow for too long... so today i got up and had breakfast that id made, then went to the little cafe near the cow fields, and chatted with a few people, then went for a swim and a wash in the sea came back to my room amd washed my clothes after that, i spent the next few hours in my hammock planning my next few days, i went back to the room to prepare myself then tried to walk to the next beach but google wasnt to useful in this, so i turned back and walked up to the cafe i sit in, and found a photographer so i did some fire spinning on the beach with all my props and took some videos then went to hang out with spikey alex and gramps to get high and scheme about tomorrow... anyway i must try to wake up early today i got up and went to sit in flower garden around eight saw mike and spoon soon after breakfast and coffee we went to sunshine cafe and edited some photos and did some research and development on my photo and video skills, it was a fair bit cooler today so i could juggle by 4pm so i did that and a fire spin at sunset to take some more photos and videos then i got food with the guys and caroline and the kids anyway im tired ill write more tomorrow goodnight xx so today we followed through with the pal through to such a success that i acheiched two days worth of things, slight negatives are, im sunburnt, the market wasnt open. and i didnt do any spinning... so my day with meeting the guys at thr coffee place where i had a coffee for me and a flask of coffee, ate my morning oats at laikshas (sp) so after a quick sortout of the things i wanted to take, i still forgot things and took some i didnt need but its ok, so we had a really good icecream break and still found a market with lungi and all sorts of veg and so i got all the salad bits to make healthy food and went to the fort we had a look around but it was quite hot. i had a feeling i should have joined the others to dribe to kudle, dropped off food and then went back out after but decided to stick to the plan and head to the beach however i went the wrong way saw a closed lighthouse did some cliff hill climbing, thinking i could make my way to the patb which got a bit dicey and thick jungle so i decided to follow the route back to belekan beach then to paradise beach and bumped into a few familiar faces, and went for a swim to get rid of the sun burn feeling from walking and scooting down a highway in the hottest part of the day, then i walked back to my bike enjoying he cool scooty ride and wearing lungi so got a few things in gokarna and walked back to my room sorted out some rehydrations and salad stuff and went to the beach, where i bumped into linda to make plans tomorrow, but i think sunday i will scoot to yana and have an alone experience in the natute being chill working out whatever comes up and returning in the evening for a good meal... so tomorrow i should get some more shots doing beach video five stuff at least maybe more photos... anyway solid plans have been made progress, much research and much looking to see if i can afford to go to nest as in get a ticket and raise the funds to join a camp or be help everyone and hope i can be fed. or bring all the stuff to make indian food simple over a fire or something easy, whk knows... i will fknd a way to make it work but if its not feasable ill plan for nowhere instead... hmm decisions i need to look inti by my birthday... anyway im tired goodnight today i got up super early and had a spin swim and chill on the beach applied for a ticket online for the train on monday hutbi was told if i gave some money on the train and pretend i dont know ill get a place anyway... so i sat at flower garden which is the coffee place and had a nice breakfast, i then after sorting most of the things on my list for the day, i sat in my hammock and fell asleep got a chai and set about reading a book however the kindle has stopped working not turned off but frozen so i left it on charge in flower garden hoping it will fix it... i then went to town and sorted out a load of snacks for the train and things to bulk he oats out... as well as a bottle of water for hehydrations... tomorrow i plan to get up early and head to yana and make some ceremony for myself connect in some art and writing and see some waterfalls... anyway im going to start a dream diary as think im ready to try to remember my trips to the other side, im going to slow my smoking down to one or two that i roll and stop taking pharmecy drugs to ease the feelings of activity or inactivity... anyway its 930 pm and im going to sleep i could do a sunrise fire spin and record it... so today i got up early and went to flower garden had two coffees and a can do attitude to head first to the train station for which there were no spaces on the train i wanted to get so after a little while on my way i then got an idea of how big india is as i went around on my scooty, i drove about 70km to go to the vibhooti falls in the yana province of karnartaka which is a massive state and i barely went inland a little so after making it to the falls and going for a dip where the fish and tadpoles nibbled my toes. i had a beautiful lay in the sun to dry out. so after a decent i got back on the scooter and continued my tour of the yana, and i stop to pick up a hitch hiker and boom my tyer is busted just like that so im in the middle of nowhere with no signal no way of directing someone to me or any idea who to call so i get rolling down the windy mountain paths and stop back at the entrance to vibhooti falls where i convince the police man who was at this little collection made up of a shop a bathroom building a restaurant and a police station and after the first call and some time of waiting i came to realise that there was no machanic coming to fix my scooty, so i called her again and then after some time arranging a lift in a truck with the scooty back to the lady who i rented it from it had just gotten dark as i rolled in to gokarna and she paid the men who drove me back, i realise then that anything is possible you just have to lose your deposit... anyway no more scooty for me i walked down gokarna highstreet stopping in pai hotel for a chai which was on the house as i had no change. i ended up hitching a lift in a free tuktuk and drinking chai to get back to kudle. so i walked down to my room dropped off my things offloaded about the awful part of my day to my neighbours and went to meet linda with my phone on charge... so while with linda i was having some good conversations and a fire spin and i came to realise that gokarna is trying to teach me to be still and surrender to a chilled out day... so after that i came back to rats in my room on my bed so i will speak to my landlord about the rat issue and about rent at the same time as if im staying a little longer i should at least get a better rate... anyway that was a long day not without its challenges... so yesterday i woke up at 7 and went for a spin and a swim then went to laxmis flower garden for breakfast... then i went to gokarna and looked around got some banana buns and talked to mr pai about getting out of here, manuel is also here which is nice hopefully we get to share some skills this time as were on roughly the same journey for our time here in india, i then laid in my hammock and. popped into the water after being in the cafe for a bit, and we have some plans for the next few days including making the biggest sand castle i can, going to half moon beach with caroline, linda and the kids, and getting a boat back... so last night linda did some fixing of my shoulder which caused me to sleep quite badly i woke up pretty consistently and now im laying here at 7am wondering how im going to stretch enough to dig and rope dart, anyway i had a weird dream that was somewhere between organising an event a fantasy adventure and a lot of my friends were there, it was set in this venue space and i cant really remember the rest... anyway i better get on with my day... so today i went to laxmis had a coffee and some food then i started work on my sandcastle project, i was helped and made a few friends in the process was given a trip and saw mike and spoon while i was taking a break, so we hung out and i treated myself to a meal and a coffee shake so after i finished my sandcastle to the point i was happy with it but the moats didnt fill up... next time... we also did a little fire spin to the sunset and got some nice videos, well i assume theyre nice enough i havent checked... but yes then we sat in garden cafe for a bit said goodbye to a nice family and had my last joint, tomorrow i look forward to getting some time with spoon and mike to try to write some bios and edit some videos and photos and get some filming and training done over the next few days anyway im going to try and sleep goodnight... so the last two days i have tried to post but it deleted it one day was full of hanging out with mike and spoon and taking photos and the other going to half moon beach and returning on a boat and hanging out meeting some nice people so hopefully this is bettef today was a pretty good day i laid in bed until about 2ppm went to town and still didnt get a way out of here... so im just going to book any way i can tomorrow for early/mid next week like a overnight bus followed by a train and a bus... something where i have a few hours break between legs of jorneys max... anyway i finally got how to do trails on my gopro it just needs to be super dark, i can always edit in post that reminds me i still need to figure out what to edit what order and how... anyway that was a good day tomorrow i juat need to go to a travel agent on the beach and dig a big sandcastle and get some fire videos and photos on the beach tomorrow... anyway im going to try to sleep now... oh and i might also have a tattoo to do in the morning... so today i got up at 9 or so went to flower garden and had a coffee, edited some photos and met two people that want to trade tattoos with me in a short time, then i did a tattoo and headed to sunshine and went about learning to edit my first video https://youtu.be/l5qJbMJmW7c, i then watched through my show videos and feel like i have a long way to go in choreo and development before i am happy with my own performance but i do think i can make a minute or so of footage from what i have, i just have to grab the converted files off of mike, and also work out a choreography, maybe have to watch all of the rope dart videos and start writing bits and filming them to see what i like and work on my footwork a lot more... anyway after i had a dunk in the sea which i feel i should do more of so i can feel a bit more energy in the heat by cooling down went with mike and spoon to spin in the sunset however it was super busy today as its a tourist destination and saturday... so i did a bit of research as to why i feel so lethargic and not as physically able as usual... i think cutting down smoking, drinking more liquids, cooling down in the sea and stretching in bed are what im going to try to impliment... anyway im tired and need to stretch goodnight... oh yeah make to dos for stretching and swimming... so today i did a tattoo got a tattoo went for a swim went to the next beach down and came back, after a pretty tastey meal. yeah thats about it... so today was the great expodition to the paradise beach and we did plenty of bouldering and had a mild trip, then we went out into the sea at half moon as there was so many photoplancton which was a wonderful experience i got zero juggles done but i did a lot of other things so its ok... oh yeah i kissed bianca today which was nice even though i am in bed alone, i have taken the valium and turned the alarms off and i think ill be out of here by friday, but i dont mind doing a bit of non solo travelling would be nice for a short while... anyway super mild trip and a super hard walk though jungles up and down cliffs and all over however we did get a boat which was nice... gosh the lack of autocorrent on this app is a bit much... anysay goodnight in sleeping with prince valium tonight.... so yesterday we all met up at garden and chilled out until the hot part of the day was over, then walked to om beach to get a fire spinning video and hang out on a different beach after that we got a meal i had pasta but it was mediochre, yeah after we hung out their for a while deciding if we could be bothered to go to the next beach or just wait until the lights turned off, me and bea decided to head back as we wanted to spend some time together alone, which was nice but i didnt sleep very well and today i dont feel like doing much but juggling, life is quite nice and ive decided i cant leave before the weekend so i book a train out of here on saturday for monday, should be easy... as i didnt want to only have one day left its to much... anyway i shall soon be in pushkar early next week on the weekend kinda time... so i woke up at beas piddled around a bit talking to her then enjoyed mike and spoons last whole day by doing not a lot at flower garden helped bea move and she wants to go to pushkar with me so were making the plans... then i did the standard beach followed by food and we fell asleep pretty much straight away... today was the banana throwing ceremony so i went to town to try to do some things ended up being there too long and not got anything achieved... so tomorrow ill try again as i got up early to see mike and spoon off as it was their last morning until thailand... it seems im a really debatey person, im also hard to pursaude and i have a really high logic bullshit sensor and find it super hard to put up with hippies and idealistic positive ways of looking at the world... i just think its really narrow... like i cant help but to think about all of the options... like i hate how some people get along with everyone and find everything fine a resignment to acceptance, i just find that super hard work to put up with as i find rudeness in beggers really annoying... then i was informed about a caste system and yes i was taking into account the system of class and oppression but there is so much farm work available to anyone who wants to do it, moving and changing names acting diffrrently learning from their own lives so far seems to be to much to expect... but i just dont care for a begger, even in the uk its what you give out, its how you act and whether youre grateful and i think thag should transcend culture... but apparently a bit of thinking is not posible for some who know no difference... but i dont know what its like to not be able to think and evaluate about your own situation... that and it is a super drain on my energy for social interactions... bah nothing is making me satisfied and im tetchy and argumentative because i want to find more people like me... i want to learn something thats not just an opinion or an own truth... bah anyway i decided against the party, i feel like it would be shit, i have came to the realisation that although i have been identifying genderqueer in my head i havent in the world of india and ive been feeling a disconnect between my gendered identity and how i feel as its hard to explain that i dont want to be refered to as one of the guys and with eqaul measure one of the girls, i dont want to feel like im just a guy and to get banded with the boys when i find most guys a lot of work, as in india the negative forms of maschline behaviours are magnified and i cannot be complicit in it, so that alienates me from the more male flavoured creatures and i havent met a single queer male identifying persons and i have met one lesbian in the whole of my time in india, so i guess i dont have many people who would understand... do i need to be a they more than i have been here its been enough so far that ive cinsidered myself as such and that if someone asks me my pronoun ill let them know but noone has asks people just assume, and i dont suffer from dismorphia i dont wish to change my hormones or genitals or dress more masculine or feminine as i just wear whats xomfortable or what makea me feel fabulous... so when do i enact this and to who, when do i choose to do that battle, i guess speak to someone about it after i finish my research... so far i know im agender and i see clothes and meat sack stuff as just unimportant as i dont feel im my body and my mind is always the same and my soul is up for debate... so yeah i may add to this as i have much research to do and today was my first day in a while i could only roll one joint it was very hard for me as i had many devates and quite deep meaningfuls... and why am i still programmed not to talk deep to people unless ive gotten to know them.a bit or im sleeping with them... anyways ive still got daddy didnt show me he loves me issues and my step daddy showed my sister so much love and how she was a daddys girl and how i am a mummys boy when it came to getting comfort or talking, and i have no mum to talk to about these things... i dont feel connection to my family or my gender or to very much apart from the pursuit of some kinds of truth based on an intersectional analysis of all the information at hand... gah i just dont feel a part connected to this binary or anyone ungenuine i find my bullshit sensor is on high and i cant deal with people who believe so strongly for something but have no proof or any intersectional arguments for that thing, for example the woo new age hippy movement with the commersialisation of all of the spiritual practices... i have two things i think its wrong to have to pay for spiruality and sex... anyway im called to the changa i feel i need to do that tomorrow or maybe later... as i need to think deep on this gender stuff, like i dont know why i dont feel like im a part of the binary and only a part of some groups of people... hmm but this came about from.the fact ill never be one of the girls and how different a womens circle is described in comparison to a mens circle at least the ones ive been too... like women celebrate that theyre women and talk to empower each other, and sometimes talk about love and lust, mens circles ive been too dont seem to do the empowerment thing as men have enough social capital to not need empowering any more and as such i cant join a womens circle as ive nebrr experienced the oppresion of being female and i dont think most of the men need any more empowerment because theyre men but more because they are them... basically i feel like i struggle hard with this write now and it came to me because i told bea i dont identify with either gender but i dont ask to be called a they or just not refered to as he/she/they just as me as tony the odd human im trying hard nough to feel i am as i feel it would other me further here in india... hmmm the changa is calling so yesterday i got up early had a coffee and a jay with a girl who was leaving, talked a bit about my gender stuff the made trecks to town to get lungi, brass stuff, ordered hammocks and got painting stuff got a dosa and some banana buns to prepare for thr tattoo and was back at flower garden before 11, hung out there for a bit saw laxmi on my way down the hill, who told me linda was at the cafe, so i chilled there for a while and headed to lindas with her to get my tattoo touched up... after that i went back to flower garden and headed to the beach to be in the hammock and juggled in the sunset... then had dinner at garden, met up with bea and spent a bit of time with her and we slept seperately and she came to say goodbye this morning before i got up properly... anyway ill write about today later so today i got woken up by bea as i didnt get up for my alarm, i then sat and painted a picture in flower garden and whittled half the day away thinking i could get away with going to send parcels in the afternoon and i was so engrossed in painting i didnt make it to the travel agents in yime to book an easy ticket to ajmer instead i have to go from here to madgoan tomorrow evening just before sunset... so i headed to town from flower garden at about 1 and didnt get to send my parcel the only thing i managed to get was the element for tea and such which was 115 rupees and a cup for 65 so not bad, i collected my hammocks, and linda is going to send it for me... so when i returned i took a drink and sat in a hammock for a while reading and listening to music after booking my way out of here which was 3000 rupees as i had to get 3ac, i should have booked it this morning but thats thr greag lesson of india if you do the things when youre supposed too then it makes life easier if you dont you end up being late and have to start again another day... anyway another lesson learnt, and an expensive journey in a nice class so it shall be fine tomorrow i shall have a great day on the beach get up super early to make the most of it and sleep well when i get to madgoan so such is the life of me... i still dont know what to go as but now i have the language to explain how i feel so its better... anyway goodnight i shall get up as early as i can and it will be a good last day in paradise... today was my last day in paradise and tbe start of my journey to pushkar... i got up early to take advantage of the spinning time spent the early morning sorting out my things and in flower garden before reclining in a hammock and i got a tattoo started... but had to get a tuktuk to the station and went to madgoan on the train for 75rupees, found a resteraunt a way from the station got a shake hakka noodles and a cheese naan so as i walked around madgoan i struggled to find anywhere to be for a while and now laying im my hammock outside of the station praying for the itchy to stop considering i want to be at least rested before i get on the train... anyway im going to try to nap again...
Kudle Beach Rd
Madgaon Railway Station
IN so today i woke up in my hammock around 630am and decided, it was time to get up and as i looked around to there being a lot more people than i went to sleep, anyway i had a stretch my favourite snacks and sorted my base needs out, madgoan sration was really well equipt and breakfast cost me 80 rupees :3 anyaay after reading for a while i found bea and we have been on the train for several hours already im glad i got 3ac as they feed me and dont mind me sharing my bed either way i hope for a fancy train next time too... anyway its easy to be on a long journey with company and valium... night xx so yesterday i arrived via train to kota ate in the station restaurant and got a bus to pushkar it was a bit crampt and crowded but we managed it, then we got a tuk tuk to krishnas guesthouse, where we stayed for a few hours before i realised my ebook was broken and i headed to town with bea my current travelling companion to have an explore on the way we stopped by a tailor to restitch my dart head and had a smoke with him, after working my way through the crazy market and got a blessing at a temple and gave a donation, pushkar is much colder than the beach, its also super overcaste anyway its not possible to fix my ereader so i need to track down a second hand ereader, we also got an authentic super good italian meal of pizza bruschetta and salad which was quite cheap between us, and then found my way back to the place im staying... anyway im finding life hard as im super critical and cant stand complicity even when emotions are involved, it feels wrong to me so me and bea have many an debate this morning and she felt the need to play devils advocate for the positive side and i found that super hard work and so did she as i cant see all the positives without looking at an intersectional analysis of the facts... which is exhausting to fight against as i have many good points but fail to stay on point, to break things down to a duality like asleep and awake for instance for me is too simple, it doesnt take into account anything of the world and jusy keeps things as something as flakey as the intentions behind what people do or something similar to that rather than the facts of actions and reactions that the world is based on not the positive vibes the world is supposedly full of... anyway thats todays problems not yesterdays and in a couple of days bea will be gone and hopefully ill feel more settled in pushkar but as im not super into shopping and id rather not be in a city which has no juggling space... even if there is holi and other crap i dont care about also my house is not so quiet in the morning with so many children around so enforced early waking is a bit much for me... yesterday after leaving bea in the laughing buddha yesterday morning and walked around to the few spots i was told that my people hang out and had a couple of video calls with sam and then with sam and katy, it made me feel a lot better i was feeling a bit down in the morning but i think that was due to hanger anyway after that i floated around a few different places trying to get the lay of the land stopped in a suggested place to eat... i had some points of wisdom gleaned from yesterday such as its always this time of year my self love wains i think its due to past grief and the like but i usually recognise it and try to do a bit more self love and time for me... second is a little poem...
moterbikes, cows and chaos
this is how its been for ages...
and that i really dont like when something that is unprovable is stated as fact like how people speak avout a lot of the hippy stuff like when people dont prove what they really believe in you know no evidence nothing to learn from just pure opinion... but yes anyway then i went to sunset point but stopped with a friend from arambol for a j as it was too hot still as the sun had came out it was super cold and overcaste in the morning... anyway i had a good juggle got a good meal with bea at the tibetan kitchen and then went to the chai place caught up with alice and went home to spend a last night with bea... i also made a moodboard for my cock fight tattoo... so i think im gonna do a watercolour study and work on some ideas...
also ive decided that as im writing these in the morning/day now as i had been busy at night... so this morning i have been sorting things went to the tailor which was great as he will make me a sample for tomorrow and smoked abgood one and shared a chai and his brother dropped me off in town where i got some satin ribbon and some art supplies and have to return to there to pick up some other stuff, i got my fake sword gripped for a cricket bat grip for an experiment with untethered rope dart and sword play... i tried to get some money out but failed and sorted all of the other things apart from sending money to linda so i need to go to a cash point when it gets to 4pm and now im chilling with bea and john from arambol... whoop so many people to meet up with and bea leaves today so we will have a good day...
so yesterday into this morning... so after meeting up with john and bea i did a little spending and get a great thali which was the really fancy one at the cheap thali place it took a while to come out but honestly it was the best special thali so far it was malai kofta, palak paneer, dal, curd, salad, veg rice, a papad and two butter chapati with a dessert... wish i got a picture im not gonna lie... so yeah we ate then did the last few errands with john and bea and went to sunset point to juggle... and i almost lost my stick to a monkey... so after i said goodbye to bea she gave me one of her prints and a couple of silver rings for my hair and wrote me a nice note... i stayed and continued to juggle and met a few people, then had a meal with manu sasha and a few other people i havent met before and had a thukpa and mint tea... i then went to the chai wallah and cake wallah and sat for a while talked to a few people and walked home and i took a while to get to sleep so i regripped and taped my fake sword moved the grip to the longer one but didnt tape it all... i then made my lists and tried to sleep... this morning as its now my birthday i went to the tailor showed him how i wanted the rope dart made smoked two and then got a lift into town... im going to see how many he can make and see if i can get some trousers made out of my fire spinning material and rope darts the rest... they are really nice people and make me feel great to be alive, i then tried to get a refund on the bell i bought yesterday but it didnt happen he was like no refunds but i did get my prop sword replaced... so missions so far acheived i need to get some paper and make some posters for my tattoo and rope dart teaching... but im not fussed on that today... also i got my own scent made and have been fucking around with the butterfly knife i got yesterday... i should really kurb my spending or earn more but what ever theres always a way... so for the rest of my birthday i span, drew painted, i went to the same place as yesterday to eat and discovered the cheap thali places in the day i had a great desert in the place i ate dinner and i had a bang lassi which was good fun it was definitely an amount of stoned and now i know how to make bang... out of hemp and what ever else you wish to add.... then i went to the chai stand until it closed got asked to perform in pushkars got talent which is cool... i love any opportunity to fire spin... so im debating between the youtube version of fuya and going for tetherless... or keeping to koto and going tethered... i guess working on koto and fuya is an important part of the next couple of days... i also bumped into a friend from arambol outside a fast food walla and he bumped me up and i got dropped home on a motorbike... i then had struggles sleeping as id taken a quater of the modafinal at 3pm which was way to late for that.... but i managed to get to sleep after a spliff and a vallium i woke up naturally about 930 but it was too early considering how late i went to sleep which was close to four am... anyway today i ate my oats thought about what im going to try to acheive today and had a shower and a slow morning where im loading up on coffee at home before going out to the tailor then town to make some posters and juggle... also need to do some small admin to make trick learning easier as i know most of them and the ones i dont know i can learn and integrate... i guess i just need to work on my choreo... but many bite sized pieces for this project... um over the last couple of days ive just
floated around and did a jewelry making class, i made a fiddle ring and a tunnel for my ear, i also made a video to post on social media... i paid the tailor and juggled at sunset got im obscenely late as town is still going mad with drums on a stage in the middle of the square with people bashing sticks until gone 11pm its a bit nuts... amyway i got told about a bang shop so i feel i must investigate i just wish tjere were more places to put up a hammock... oh wrll im knackered and off to sleeo goodnight..
the last few days i have been waking up late been given a load of downers and generally been in a bit of a daze... ive gotten to be bed late and got up late and achieved next to nothing.... i have also helped promo for the 10000 lions gig which was a flop as the cops shut it down quickly... i am feeling like ive been spending all my time for others right now like i havent spent much time doing much but sleeping and being high... im waiting here until my parcel arrives from gokarna so i can just send it home with my rope darts... then i want to head to the rainbow which is north of delhi and on from there to varanasi and nepal... so hopefully ill have enough money to live well between now and then... i made a load of banhg ghee and found banhg based things in the tobacco shops... i feel like im gonna need to concentrate on doing some tattoos, and my juggling practice my blindfolded video is almost ready... however im still not happy with my choreography for shows however that wont matter too much... i am also happy to hear anya has been thinking about another person but im a bit envious as im here and im developing and growing mostly on my own... i think when you travel on your own you kinda float with people for a few days and get stuck in places waiting for things, i also i guess just work it out sometimes falling into the wreckhead crowd and other times falling into no crowd or just spending tkme with people i dont get to know its more of a superficial thing... I just have a mild niggle in the back of my mind that my people might not want me as much when I return but I know that's my insecurity. I feel this way when I'm away from my partners for a long time and they see other people I'm just envious that I can't spend time rnow because im here, that's not to say I haven't had a couple of flings but nothing serious but overall I don't have to much interest from the opposite gender nor have I met to many people I'm into... as the people are in more of a constant movement rather than any kind of growth for a relationship... so yeah I'm not so much into the short lived small romance which is what i seem to get but its better for me i think than the other end of that scale like having someone traveling with me for two months really intensely together until a point in time you go separate ways.... Damn I miss gina and anya its been more than four months since is saw them last and its at least three until I see them again... yeah I think life should be more than abstract self improvement pushed upon you from all angles as i know we can only do so much.... anyway ibe msfe close friends here and I love all my people dearly and I'm feeling quite good in India... I just hadn't thought about how long its been and how much I want to spend time with my partners lovers and friends, how its going to be when I return, how much I've changed and grown, what differences will be noticed? What I'll notice about the others and their growth, and how much being in a place where there's not much physical contact has made me want less contact I feel much more withdrawn and exhausted here in many ways and I'm just sad that I miss anya and Gina a lot... anyway holi is over and im back to smoking and focussing on making some money with the rest of my time in pushkar... anyway enough of that im prety sorted with my plan i think i will habe enough cash and stuff to be and places to go im just a bit too drained from life right now as i overdid it the past few days....anyway ill write some more when it feels right.... i also miss england, how green it is, the cold, working on projects, having more scope for funding, all of the things im struggling on working on out here.... my circus is going great, im learning patience tolerance and self love, i have made amazing friends... but i havent had the space to be me completely i have to wrongly gender myself to avoid questions as i dont have the energy for that battle... i have a barrier for people being constantly questioning and i no longer like photography.... i shall try to cut out that stuff a bit and im doing well trying to live enjoy and work out life in the moment rather than focus on what i didnt do... as i have made a list of what i wanted to acheive in india and its not gone to plan and thats ok... i miss reading, and need to put the books on my phone as id like to finish the book i was reading at least... damn i miss my ereader... maybe in delhi or ill go to ajmer soon as john is ready i guess... anyway i will probably add more i havent done my writing process as its been a bit hectic and my schedule of lucidity changes a lot for me to have any kind of writing routine now... anyway to all of you who read this i miss you.... mirror mirror on the wall,
ill always get up after i fall.
whether i run, walk or have to crawl.
ill set my goals and achieve them all...
this poem i saw on facebook this morning bought up some feelings like the well of sadness and undersanding that strikes me when that truth is revealed, as it bought up the conversations i had been having with caren and my partner, like i still never feel good enough you know that basic internalised pressure of the reproductivity matrix and how deep that programming is embedded like how does one feel good enough when your whole life youre told to do better seek more be more successful in all aspects ot life... noone ever told me your doing great youre making so much progress, look how far youve come or how many obsticles youve faced... how many things you change and all of those little growths how i fail to notice much of it as more than another trial to succeed or fail in... it seems my life is permiented by a pass fail attitude... anyway i have spend a lony time trying to live through my achievements and not my limitations... however this has not helped me much in the opinion of myself but i do understand my limits i understand the way i think and feel better... and my limits are just that i cant to it all even if i wanted too, i especially cant do it all alone. so yes i feel quite lonely and isolated and my kind of special people are few and far between or it takes me a while to warm to them... its the same for lovers im not really looking and i miss my partners dearly and when i return things will be much the same as the things they love about me will have only grown in the time apart... such as my intensity, how i see them, how we hold each other in so many ways, my eyes their eyes and kisses and the way we are together and most of all the understanding and tenderness we share... but were all living our lives and time goes on i guess for me its been a long time with a lot of transience... i think thats why i enjoy writing, reading, being on my own and circus so much im also doing some tattoos here and there working on my things and waiting for my package until i can head to the rainbow i think im going to soak up the not so crowded places from here on out as im not such a fan of the crowds it changes my energy makes me feel super uptight as its not my city people are floating in and out as im noy hanging out with to many locals wherever i go mainly the poeple who work in the places i go and the people i stay with, and a few of the stall people anf the occasional policeman or random people in the street stopping to talk to me or ask me for a selfie. i still almost always say no as i dont want to sit and have chai with these kinds of people especially as there are so many celebrations almost every day there is something going on... anyway back to my original lack of self love thing that im making progress on like being on my own and being happy in my own company doing what ever i feel... but there is still this niggle that unless im working on my goals in life daily, i feel like im not doing enough but sacrificing time to finish uni and work on the ngo and the funding and my play and all of the other micro and macro tasks on the neverending list of stuff to read eays to think and of course all of the time that giving myself the things i need like enough water eating sleeping being to some degree social and following my instincts trying hard to keep everything in balance and accepting im doing enough regardless of what im doing now i feel tjis travel is necessary because i want to travel id love to travel indefinitely but i also want to change the world of creative therapy making it and spaces to be creative for free should be accessable for all who need it... anyway i guess thats all things i need to think about when i return from asia... there are also thoughts of what i have to work on before i return so i do return to uni for october and have all of the relevant things such as student finance, application to the course... i guess i would rather not have go sort any of this before i return, but i will have to put a few more things on the to do list as it seems i have so many unfinished things going on that its clouding my thought process.... like i need to finish video editing and theres so much of it i just want to read for fun while im here but i feel interdispercing it with something that would be useful and academic... hmm who cares ill just do as i feel... i expect to much to be done while travelling... anyway im going to be doing a tattoo soon and i just saw a bird steal a grape from the fruit walla it was quite amusing... i shall need to get some oats and fruits today... oh damn i didnt meditate yet... hmm how am i going to meditate for 20 mins i think id rather read or i have been writing this.... hmm yeah basically the last few days i slept all day sunday reading and sleeping monday i hung out with caren talked about some deep shit and hugged it out... then i ended up having a chai at the walla in the square abour 930 amd ended up hanging out on the ghat with greames, soph, and a few other people i forget the names we chatted shit drank some rum did some k and smoked im glad i didnt take the modafinol as i ended up walking home around half one and reading all the way home i was not a smart cookie not thinking about the time... i do need to do a trace and change of the shape of the tattoo ive been tasked with doing its a mandala and its going to be dot shade first of my kind that way completely but i have confidence as long as i dont get to high it will go well just take a few hous luckily its in a really nice position... anyway im off to sit somewhere to work on the carbon, work on tonigths mandala design and get some water... anyway life in pushkar is what it is until my package arrives and i can arrange my journey to go to the rainbow... anyway im feeling ok today just that i ate to much bangh butter today... anyway good day ill write again when i feel like it...
so the ladt couple of days i have done a few tattoos qnd had a rest day where i had no energy so i read all day i dont think the 40 degree heat helped my ability to do somethinv useful... anyway yeah reading for fun or drawing have been my main things over the last couple... so yeah i dont really have much else to say apart from people are really pro capitalism to say the least... making videos is hard.... still need to make a show showreel for india so far.... so im not to good at taking photos or putting my thoughts down for all to see... i have started a few different debates about social issues and a few major debates on different things like how i dont want a communist future i want decentralisation, anarcho communism/ feminist future something resembling a deconstruction of the power structures that hold yhe fabric of our social lives together. i just want privacy and individual freedoms respected, i want a change from within an acceptance of the ten burner principals which for me could help guide a sustainable society that takes responsibility give everyone a chance and creates more than it destroys but either way leaves no trace... anyway im gonna copy some of my responses on facebook trying to be in chronological order...
The you vote with your wallet is a limited view that at its very least is ablist and classist... my spending power which I choose to spend on food housing self improvement and social stuff like clubbing and drugs art and circus... I still have to shop in a supermarket because affordable local veg is no longer a thing, affording a space to grow my own is no longer a thing... I still will never own a house due to the housing bubble and the economic crisis... I will never be able to save money for a secure financial future as unstable living situations, local food prices, trying to be better for the environment and generally trying to not be a shitbag is to much hard work... we only have sammich buying power... the middle classes have more and are what keep our economy propped up and the rich still have more sway even though they only buy as much per person as we do so no I don't think if we stopped supporting the things we don't want to see there's still someone having to shop at Tescos because the local shops have closed over the last 20 years in their tiny town... so no we don't really vote with our wallets. In fact its made really hard to vote with your wallet in an effective way unless you live in a city and have the access...
Pasting this here
you are not responsible.
It's the 1%.
Have you read the statistics?
According to the OECD in 2012 the top 0.6% of world population (consisting of adults with more than US$1 million in assets) or the 42 million richest people in the world held 39.3% of world wealth. The next 4.4% (311 million people) held 32.3% of world wealth. The bottom 95% held 28.4% of world wealth.
And that portion that goes to the top 0.6 is increasing year on year.
Soon there will be nothing left for the likes of me and you.
And the mechanism through which the money goes up to them is primarily interest on loans.
That is the people who are most rewarded in this system are contributing the least.
Often they are behind loan companies like wonga that charge over a 1000% apr and target their loans at the poorest and least able in society.
They use risk to justify their pillage.
I dont give a fuck if it's right or not.
This is the reason our societies are disintegrating.
This is the cause of all the social ills.
Islam, people on benefits, socialism etc are all distractions these evil wicked greedy selfish people have created to distract you from their dick in your arse.
Owain Baker I would say it could if we undo the systems of power that oppress us the systematic violence, the other forms of violence that aren't fear of imprisonment such as our adherence to the system through education, how were complicit even if we fight against it... to replace the systems of control with a non alienating system where everyone gets what they need to thrive, like how universal income has shown promising results...
I don't make my money through performing, I do that in the summer I plan to start an ngo that makes creative therapy, workshop spaces and the ability to create free for anyone with any mental issue... performance is just a small aspect of my life and one I do because for me its art and meditation not to make money... I don't even want to make money with my ngo I wanna get paid but I want to do work that needs doing not bend over so I can escape a system we should all be doing our bit to change...
I didn't say I'm not working on my own things to make me successful but this is part of the problem... its not enough to just go to work in a low level job, I have to get into a lot of debt to earn the money from the education which is seen as needed when most people don't use the degree they got, essentially as a working class man help in monetary form with anything like rent, deposits, a mortgage, any start on this journey to the so called better life is still going to require a lot of hard work, time management, my debt to the system, just to gain a degree and the relevant experience for a job role I want... its an exploitive system but all things could have on the job training everyone should be pushing themselves to learn more and better but at the end of the day... I don't have my parents to help me into private school, to pay for tutors, to have my essays written for me, to be primed for management because other people said the right things on my behalf... like someone said for the 10% or so that have more than 1mil in money or assets are in a minority confined mostly to the higher classes of the societies... that's not to say there aren't people in places which live comparatively richly on half of that in Portugal or in some commune never having need of anything but if it takes having 1million to be considered rich and that's not including the top 40 companies and the people who own them this is taken from asset value... that isn't to say I'm not going to continue on my path to be a creative therapist and create an ngo to support my career at the same time as studying, working on myself as a performer, taking the time for self care and travel to be constantly learning but that is literally me erasing the training of just getting a trade behind me and setting my mind to the more middle class mindset of meritocracy and working hard to educate myself to lift myself from where I was in my childhood to unshackle myself from the poorer aspects of my upbringing and life... and still the internalisation of the production matrix makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough that uni require much more work than I can do a thing I found completely the opposite having achieved a 2.1 both years and returning to complete my studies as I took a year out to travel and work on my performance in circus and clown, and to work on my mental health becauae still til this day I have internalized the escapism from my routes... I know being different has made me hardier but I think the violent monopolies of different forms of capital... I'm only ever going to have social capital to those who recognise my worth, I have educational capital but still not that many pieces of paper, you have to interact with me to see my worth within that field. Where I will succeed is my social capital everyone who knows me has spoken highly of me as an intense man with an unwavering sense of what's right of constant growth and boundless enthusiasm for my skills talents and hobbies as well as what ever else falls into my special interest box. So I get working for the man I'm on my way I just accept I'm not going to be taken as seriously as those who have the economic capital to change the other forms of capital utilised against me and people of my class. Also how working class is something to rise out of disgusts me, how the people who can't work or don't want to still have to even with a reduced existence where people are living in a fraction of the living wage but its between that and complete poverty. Anyway I think I have gone off point a bit
so yeah many thoughts i will re read and add to later... i will also write that i didnt do much in this heat, hung out with people and juggled... this morning i got a camel ride into town and had a little tour... and now im working on video editing and to juggle later....
we say goocbye to pusjkar to head to mountaims... for how long im nof sure youur guess is as gooD as mine anywary.tje xanies are taking efffrct as i write abyay much travil with tom and bailey. i love those guys...
i hope to find a cheap plsce to stay..
amyway ramnilinng and i hope to.take much from.thod jourmey... night prince valiium
so i didnt tell you about my rrip into the desert, we left early on the 3rd and spent time at the temple near where ganesha was carved from parvatis sweat so the birthplace of ganesha and also the oasis within the jungle i got closer to bailsy and tom tripping and just spending time in the desert really high eating great food and it was such a welcome break to be with good indian people making a great semi camping trip as we stayed in the temple housing and ate with the babas each night so we got there on the 3rd the 4th we went down to the waterhole had a trip day and i did my shaman thing sharing the changa in a perfect setting i have nice photos of this on my gopro... then we spent the rest of the day wasting it to hide from the heat and travel back which was the 5th then we got our bus on the 6th i said goodbye to krishna and hia family and have been spending time with bailey and tom....
Jai Gorimaya Goridham Baghana Hanuman Tampal And Water Fall
IN so yesterday i climbed up and down the waterfall, drew some abstract art and ate a tastey meal before falling asleep quite early, now today i have to take a rope dart video and meet up with some people i know from hempen, qlthough im not cut out for the hills here at all its such hard exercise but ig is beautiful and still loud in a different way to pushkar... anyway my mental emotional state is fine and ive still got some time before my visa runs out completely and i get one for nepal.... oh joyous joys, i think i may spend a bit oc time in the munar guesthouse in varanasi to hopefully make some money and melt after the cool weather... so yesterday i walked up the triund from baghsu, the trek from baghsu was super hardcore as there wasnt a proper path and it took me about an hour, i then sat to wait for the people i arranged to meet up with, then we went around the checkpojnt where we had to pay and made the two hour trek from 2100 meters to 2800 meters to the temple at the top of the trail it was good i made a rope dart video and came back down mostly barefoot as my sandles arent very good when theyre wet from snowmelt. although it was good to do it i realised im not fit in a low oxygen environment... and my shoes where not ideal and it gave me a really achey body but i think that was just the altitude... i slept quite badly last night and woke up having a dream with some kind of double people poly love drama combination of environments and i woke up confused as to who each person was as my dream memory isnt too good... like i dont recognise the people that were my lovers plural in this dream, it was nice to have a bit of romance in my dream... anyway i have come to the realisation that my opinions are still strong but i dont judge people for their choices i pick my battles im up for debate but i think the world is still going to be fucked within my lifetime so what difference is it all going to make, its all very grey and everyone is doing the best they can... anyway i need to look up a bus to manali, vashisht, and go stay with my friend i may go to vashisht first and then to see chotu then back down to varanasi, but i think this is going to be expensive, i need to go through all my stuff today, and book my ticket and head down to macloudganj with tom and bailey for a goodbye meal... anyway i have things to do like video editing and reading and generally resting... anyway im feeling just fine mostly just a bit rushed and feeling like the weather here is to much like the uk and the altitude is hard... i feel less like smoking and ive been eating just tibetan food and cheap street food... anyway i shall get on with things now.... speak soon... just some vashisht photos
sorry i pretty much arrived in vashisht almost halfway through a good book, with josh from arambol, we spent a few days juggling in the sun and a few hiding from the rain eating great food and then going on a few adventures, twice into manali, once up to the rothang pass but didnt get very far as the road was closed dud to snow. i walked a bit and spent lots of time in a hot springs and span fire on the full moon videos to edit and follow...
next up thoughts and musings of the last 9 days...
the following post will be
so im about to leave vashisht to go to delhi then on to kathmandu... i have enjoyed my time in vashisht just hanging out getting used to the atmosphere at 2500meters, ive gone a but higher and im currently sat in a rooftop in manali waiting for the bus that will deliver me to delhi at about 12pm tomorrow... i need to get a few india things and visit a cash piont but my monzo csrd is now useless to me in the main while im here apart for a holding account so i dont spend my bus/tube money getting back into the uk... so in other news my sister has been kind enough to lend me some money so im not so bothered by cash while im here... i also picked up some proper cooking knives from the men who make then in manali... i went a couple of days without smoking and i feel ill do the same in delhi as i dont need it anymore especially at altitude but its definitely harder to eat and sleep without it and im looking forward to chabging to oils when i return to the uk... i did a tattoo today on elis ears and a toe on her knee to have my mark... im looking forward to coming home as i want to track down a caravan and a place to put it when i return to london... i think the plan is anthropos, solstice, nowhere if i have made enough money when i return then lost theory in spain then off to knockem in ireland and the ejc tickets and money depending... i habent planned any of this these are just some of the options so far available to me in this time.... i am looking forward to working on my projects with my play and gaining my 1500 hours using physical theatre games to workshop direct the scenes in my play... its a good project... im also planning to get back to uni and develop my critical thinking and do all of that stuff come october... man i do love my life these days im glad i have a better handle on my emotions and shortly i shall have a handle on my addictions to tobacco...
so nepal... im planning to get a hardcore piece of art on me during the tattoo convention stay at the secret garden guesthouse and make as many tattoos as i can before i add myself to stay and help out in a dog sanctuary in kathmandu for a couple of days... things i need in kathmandu are socks, carabeeners for my hammock, tarp x2, good rope, compression sacks and i think i have everything else and im going to take home as much of it as i can :) so yes many things to sort out in the hub of off brand treking stuff... anyway i think im doing well... im just waiting reading comics and will hopefully sleep through most of this journey as i go up before 8 this morning.... anyway i love life plans.... a few hours in delhi are all i need to get what i require after putting my things in storage and finding out about the next bus... im upset my ereader is broken but i should be able to get it fixed/a replacement in delhi...
Manali Bus Depot
I.S.B.T. Kashmere Gate
IN throwbacks from goa and i didnt like delhi i had to be there for 18 hours, i walked around paharganj, got all of the things on my list and sent it home, i now have 100 dollars and just under 200pounds in my account which is at least two withdrawals in nepal, and i have my emergancy non indian currencies so im ok, so yesterday i wandered around sorting things out and getting ready for whatever awaits me and i have a really long journey ahead to kathmandu, i rsally struggled to sleep well in the heat of delhi even with the fan on and just my lungi over me... ive started rereading sandman and i hope ill have enough too do on the bus as its not to much effort to try to sleep fthrough what will be a 30 hour journey as ill arrive some point tomorrow... im so happy with the tea, coffee and spices as well as all of the kitchen stuff... india has taught me alot about what you need and what you dont, im upset with myself as i didnt get a chapati frying pan from here but its just a ceramic plate/metal pan and then straight onto the fire for realistic chapati... im looking forward to the adventures kathmandu holds for me and how much things have changed... my time in india is coming to a close 160 days in this beautiful confusing, hectic, sometimes ignorant and always at a complete juxtaposition to itself...
i loved and hated it in equal measure, i have learnt so much more about my art forms. painting drawing tattoos and circus. i have learnt alot about people who to avoid never lend money to an indian man who drinks to much and always has some new calamity youll never see it again, even i you see him again... some people are just happy to see you happy... im happy for the most part, i can go a few days without weed im great at entertaining myself, i prefer alone time now and i can be uncomfortable for a couple of days without feeling a need to change things, ive also made places feel like home with only couple of small changes and ive learnt that most people think highly of me regardless of what i think of myself even though ill never be in with the cool kids as i dont have money or the right look, i dont drink or do many of the things people require to be part of that club, ive also not been around season after season but most of o the good people help me to no end, ive met mostly good people and not many negatives, i just realise how much i dont need anyone how resourceful i am and how essentially im always going to be a hussler... creating money out of nowhere getting by and having an aloof mentality leaning towards being on my own rather than with other people... anyway im off to kathmandu very soon...
northern travels bus depo