DAY 1Jul 15 2018
why did I leave the hostel, when I saw the vibe I had with Carmen. conversationnwith her was already effortless and she may have been trying to keep me from leaving. or maybe not, I'll never know that truth which is why I can't overthink it too much.
I was already beat with my time in Banos and the thought of me being wrong with thinking about Carlen ultimately made me want to leave. BUT thats where I meed to stop next time. I need to stop thinking worrying about the possibility of failure and accept it as part of both sides of the decision.
Now because I left that chapter unread, I'm dreading and worring about what could have been. And this road is way worse than possibly making a fool of myself a failing. at least I would have explored that unknown and scary road like I did the other night with Kristina.
Now, here I am. Thinking about the possibilities and even dreaming about her on the night bus. I think my thoughts are more fear about making the right decision in the moment rather than the girl herself.
Ultimately, I know I have good instincts of what should be done but I sometimes don't follow through with the extreme gut reactions I know I should follow through on when they are staring me in the face. Failure is possible with both decisions, BUT ALWAYS CHOOSE THE ONE WHERE YOU WON'T ASK YOURSELF "WHAT IF" LATER ON. This is because you begin to start filling in the blanks yourself of what could have happened which is not good.
So the next Carmen, wherever you are, I'll stay that extra day next time.